worthless

worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless

i feel dirty

I don't know why. I just feel useless and dirty and like a huge fuck up. I don' even know what's wrong.

i need to let go

i feel ashamed after sex. its great and im having fun and im fine and then its over and i feel dirty. i feel alone. even after i masturbate. i just cant get over that feeling that what i did was so wrong. i just need to be told after sex that i wasnt bad, i shouldnt be ashamed. i did nothing wrong.

i dont know what to do

just ......ahhhhhhhh. i want to crawl out of my skin

i feel drained. so, so drained

i know why the two are mutually exclusive

because one is who i was and one is who i am now, and i dont know which is really me, or which id rather be.

the journalist is who i wanted to be, who i became- independent, smart, capable, caustic, cold. jd robb's eve with a slightly different career. just like her, i locked it down. all of it. i felt accomplished, because i'd succeeded in functioning.

helping survivors.....thats acknowledging i AM one. everything i tried so hard to shut down - its embodying it. its shedding everything i did to cope, to survive - its completely changing who i became. my personality WAS my coping strategy. giving up coping is giving up who i was, and i loved who i was. but this way, id feel worthwhile, for helping other people. for acknowledging that it, too, was a gift - or making it one, anyway. but feeling things, depending on other people.......it isnt the person i loved, the person i wanted to be, the person i looked up to, the person i was supposed to be. but i cant be that person and function emotionally. it isnt picking between two careers, its picking between two sides of me. between two different lives.

getting to work feels like coming off a high

suddenly i just feel sad, like i need comforting. and i dont know if that has to do with the sex scene discussion or just the need to start working at 10 at night

i think it may be like this

it is easiest for me to sit and waste away my life. idk why. anything i have to put any effort into - even, for example, going to meet my friends monday because i had to go someplace else, or sitting with tray this morning because i had to get dressed - it brings my mood down. the amount varies, but every time i have to exert effort i feel more depressed/ more unhappy. and i think it goes back to the fact that i dont have any motivation, due to depression or the rape or both, any every time i need motivation that lack of just kind of slaps me in the face and reminds me why i dont have any. it reminds me of how worthless and pointless i feel, which, lets face it, would probably depress anyone

im tired of not caring about things anymore

im not mad

and im not hurt, and i don't think you let me down. its a lot to ask, especially when i was as bad as i was last night. the problem is, i was trying not to bother you. you were asleep, and stressed, and i didn't want to add to that. so when i woke you up, it was because i literally didn't know what else to do. you were my last resort at feeling better. and i needed you to take care of me.

and thats hard. and i dont blame you for feeling upset. that isnt a bad thing. its human. the problem is when i go to you for support and you get upset both of us are just getting hurt. its making you feel bad, and its making me feel worse. so for both our sakes, its ok if you cant handle helping me in those situations, but i need to know that.

EVERYONE would be better off if i was dead

i had FINALLY started believing that maybe that wasnt true - that maybe, even if i couldnt see it, people were right and i meant SOMETHING to SOMEBODY. that when shaili said that i made tray happy, that she was right, and i just couldnt see it because of how i feel about myself. but she doesnt see this. she doesnt see all the crap i put him through - all the crap he wouldnt need to put up with if i wasnt here. i am nothing more than a burden.

i feel so alone

i just need support

please. can someone just do that for me?

i need to feel numb

i just needed to be told i was worth something

i just needed you to reassure me that the horrible things in my head are wrong. because i know theyre wrong, but it is so easy for them to convince me otherwise. but i dont feel like im worth anything. i feel like a burden. and i know this is hard on you too, but i need you to be there for me tonight. but all im doing is hurting you and that just makes me feel worse so ill stop. i wont bring these things up again. it doesnt help either of us

i keep alternating between blaming myself and telling myself that that isn't right

logically, i need help. i need support. i should be able to go to tray. he loves me, he says hes there for me, i should be able to go to him when i need him.

but im hurting him. i hurting him and its my fault because i am so fucked up and just being around me is hurting me and that makes it my fault

i dont want him to leave me

please, i know he deserves better, but he is the best friend i could ask for. i dont want to lose him. im doing this for him.

i am a hurtful, horrible, spiteful human being

i'm sorry. i shouldnt have done that to you. i'm so, so sorry.

i am a worthless piece of shit.

i deserve to die

i just want to quit

I. Need. Help.

just gotta make it through the night. that's it.

i want to be free from this

i'm tired of this controlling me and taking over my life.

I WANT THIS

but you asking if i want it defeats the point. im not going to tell you i want this because it would be super sweet and cute because thats not the point. shit, then ill buy it and write a love note to myself.

http://gifts.redenvelope.com/productdetail.aspx?cobrand=RED&pid=30057141&ssid=4&REF=REDFeedGiftscom&mr:referralID=67f99698-3810-11e2-8751-001b2166c2c0#

I know you said you don't read this anymore, but I hope you see this.

I want nothing more than for you to be happy. The only thing I want nearly as much is to be around to see it. Watching you sleep - because of course you fell asleep before I could say goodnight and shut down my computer - you look so peaceful. It's the best thing I've seen all day. It's especially true today, because whether you were actually upset about something or just having one of those days, I'm not sure, but you seemed so tired and so beaten. But really, every day, the best thing is seeing you happy. You just light up the whole room when you're happy - you're funny and and smiley and you have such a great laugh and genuine personality that it just spreads. And it just makes me realize how lucky I am that you're my best friend. Your smile can do more to improve my day than anything I can think of, and anytime I'm the reason for that happiness I just feel like the most special person on Earth. And I know sometimes that's hard to see, and that sometimes I make you sad, but you can make moods go away that no one else can, and you can make me feel safe and loved even when I'm at my worst, because your best is so much stronger than my worst. And I want to be there for your best and your worst, because I want to do everything in my power to turn it into your best. I want to protect you and please you and just keep you happy and carefree forever. And those times when you just can't be at your best, that's ok, because you are worth it. I keep leaning over and kissing you and touching you because I just can't stand not to. I'm kind of afraid I'll wake you up but not really. It's just that seeing you look so peaceful and carefree makes me so, so happy. And I can't even put into words how much I want to be able to see this 2, 12, 20, 50 years from now. I want you to be happy for the rest of your life and I want to be there to see it, because I can't think of a more worthwhile or rewarding thing to do with my life. And maybe all this is really corny but I mean it. You've been the best thing in my life and you've gotten me to a better place in my life. And it doesn't matter how good my life gets, I'll always want you in it, because seeing you happy is the best thing I'll ever know. And I just pray that it'll always be me that you want to share that with.

sad today.

whyyyyyyyyyyy. i'd been having a good week :(

i. fuck. everything. up.

i could kill myself tonight and not give a damn

lies.

i KNOW i cant survive much more of this. i need help. happy pills, anyone?

its getting to the point where i dont know how much longer i can do this

i just cant keep going on this way.

if it isnt one thing, its another. it just feels like everything is closing in - theres less and less room to smile, to breathe. im running out of air, of sanity.

its getting to the point where i cant remember the last day i havent had a suicidal thought.

i know it's happened, and i know honestly it wasnt that long ago..........but it seems like its been forever.

A letter to my parents

*A note: I am writing this letter from a future perspective. Not all of what is in here is true (yet); however, it is how I someday hope things will turn out.*

I want to start off by setting down a few rules, in order for me to feel comfortable telling you what I happened. First, I want to ask you not to overreact. Given the nature of what I'm about to tell you, it is natural for you to have strong feelings. I'm not asking that you try to surpress those. However, I will ask that you don't overwhelm me. It will make things very difficult for me. I also ask that you let me finish my story without interruption; otherwise it will be hard for me to continue. I want to stress that you should not blame yourselves; this did not happen because of something you did or because of something you neglected to do. It is simply something that happened. Lastly, I want to point out that I may not tell you everything. You can ask questions, but I may refuse to answer, or you may notice that it seems I have left something out in what I tell you. That is because I have a right to my privacy in this. It is not because I don't trust you or don't feel comfortable telling you; some things are details I do not like to dwell upon or speak of, some things just require a certain level of privacy and I am uncomfortable elaborating further. I ask that you respect that.
While I was in high school I was in an emotionally, mentally, and sexually abusive relationship. It was with Steve. He made me believe I was worthless, stupid, and didn't deserve him or anyone else. He isolated me from my friends and you guys by making me feel as though people didn't understand, and making you all seem like the bad guys for it. He raped me on a couple of occasions. It was never violent, but it was still rape. None of this was done with malicious intent; I know that his father was abusive towards his mother and I am sure that he internalized that. He probably didn't even know what a healthy relationship was.
I didn't realize any of this until after he had broken up with me. We had a demonstration at our school detailing types of abuse, including emotional and mental. That was when I recognized that for what it was; I did not recognize the rape and sexual abuse until even later, when I learned more about what is and isn't consent. I didn't tell you because I didn't trust you or feel comfortable, but because emotional abuse is meant to isolate the victim, and make them feel ashamed. It makes you feel as though what happens is your vault, and as though you shouldn't seek help or don't deserve help because everything that is happening is actually your fault. Because I already hated to disappoint you guys, it wasn't hard to convince me not to tell you, even though rationally you wouldn't be ashamed. In addition to the effects of the abuse, the knowledge that I didn't realize what was going on until so much later made me feel even more stupid and as though it truly would be seen as my fault.
Due to the abuse, I fell into a depression. Although I don't know for sure when it actually started, I know that I was depressed as far back as senior year of high school, perhaps further. It became worse through freshman and into sophomore year of college. Sophomore year I started therapy, anti-depressants, and an exercise program designed to help me recover from the depression. I continued therapy through junior year, I am no longer on anti-depressants, and my depression is now successfully in remission.
Sometime around my senior year of high school my friend Shaili began going out with a boy who was also emotionally, mentally, and sexually abusive. As I learned what was going on with her, it made me realize just how lucky I was to get out, given that he broke up with me. I tried to help her see that what was happening was actually abuse, with the idea that knowledge would make her leave. Our sophomore year of college she realized that a lot of what went on was indeed abuse; however, she told me she still wanted to fix things and be with him. That was when I realized that knowledge isn't enough - victims need actual help leaving. I also truly realized how lucky I was; I cannot say for sure that, had we not already been broken up, knowledge would have been enough to cause me to leave either.
That was when I made the decision to be that person to help domestic abuse victims leave. The fact that I could use something that hurt me so much to help others made me feel good. People who to this day don't know I am a survivor told me that it seemed like I would like it, and even more, that I would be good at it. It made me feel very happy with my decision. The support I received from others about my career choice, and the affirmation that helping survivors was good and worthwhile, made me feel less guilty and ashamed about being a survivor myself.  While I cannot say that what happened to me was a "gift," it undoubtedly shaped me and made me who I am today. And ultimately, I like the person I am today, even if not always. This experience is a part of who I am. And the knowledge that it is such a part of me made me feel as though I should tell people, as though I wanted to tell people, because you deserve to know who I am, and because I have nothing to be ashamed of.

gotta love days like this

you know, where you wake up feeling like you've already messed up and you feel stupid and worthless and that just kind of follows you around all day, even if nothing else goes wrong? awesome. thanks feelings. way to kidnap one of my potentially good days. you suck.

ive been scared of sex lately

i dont know why. absolutely no idea. but since last wednesday night ive been scared to have sex. i dont remember anything happening the time before that. and it isnt all the time. ill want to have sex til we actually go to start and then i just.........freeze. idk. like, sunday morning i got into it just fine. like, once we'd actually started i didnt have a problem. so why now?

i fuck everything up

the one night you actually want to have sex and i cant just do that for you. i am such a bitch

i swear to god i just cant get away from this stress

quote of the day

tray and i are going through symptoms of depression
him: "im waiting for one of them that doesnt remind me of you"

i want to tell someone

im tired of feeling like im hiding this. i am not ashamed.

i want these days to stop

usually theres some break, some good day in between or some period of days that, at least, arent bad.

every day this past week or so has been bad.
really bad.
why has it been so hard lately.

i want nothing more than you to be out of this

you deserve SO MUCH better. you go through so much and you dont even realize. your feelings are stepped on and disregarded and manipulated. you are taken advantage of emotionally and sexually, and you dont feel like you are worth enough to deserve any better. i want nothing more than for that to change.

i. fuck. up. everything.

like, im not talking major life decisions. im just talking everyday things. simple things. that shouldn't be hard. and all i do is mess them up.

i just want to curl in a ball and cry

i just dont know anymore

i cant do anything without fucking it up. seriously? four classes shouldnt be hard. why do i fuck everything up?

still sad.

very, very sad. i should really stay away from stuff about rape.

sad this morning

about what? don't know. but very, very sad.

i feel like i've done something wrong

i dont know why, but i have that really guilty feeling i get when ive messed something up. i feel like i deserved to be punished. as a result its been really hard to not talk to steve on fb when i see him on, because of course thats the smart thing to do. ugh. whats wrong with me.

Cue major depressive episode

I have the chance to meet three bears players for free and a bunch more for $60.

I haven't had sex in days and I should be horny as fuck.

I have a class that I'm actually really interested in and I'm behind.

I should care about at least one of these things.

And all I want to do is sleep.

why am i such a bitch

get the fuck over yourself, seriously. stop being such a fucking brat. just shut up.

The most confusing thing is I really want to have sex

Especially at the beginning. Goddamn do I want to have sex! Then it's a little bit in and I just want to run away.  But part of me is like "no, I still want sex" and I don't know if that part always wins because it's stronger or because I don't want to make tray stop.I'm really not sure.

I can't be touched right now

I don't know what's wrong. Lately I've really really really wanted sex but after we start I don't want to anymore. Sometimes it goes away, sometimes it doesn't (though it seems to come back afterwards either way) usually I feel scared or sad or sometimes just really overwhelmed, but right now I just.....I don't know what I feel. Something's up because I feel completely empty, except forthese little cracks. then I can tell I'm really upset. I don't kno why though. I do know that I don't want to be touched right now. Good thing tray fell asleep quickly tonight. I don't feel like talking about it.
The only thing I noticed is that I am really bad at letting the muscles in my vagina relax. I just can't seem to do it. Id be willing to bet that has something to do with me not being able to orgasm, that I can't let g

http://survivorsupport.tumblr.com/post/32234559124/everyday-i-regret-not-fighting-back-why-didnt-i

kind of want you to walk in right now

the company would be nice.

so when does this end?

http://survivorsupport.tumblr.com/post/32299070175/littlesaplinggal-losttrustandbrokensmiles

doctor who makes even the worst days better :)

worthless today, as usual.

i hate this.

i feel depressed and like crap so i cant focus. i cant focus so i cant get anything done. i cant get anything done so i put stuff off til tomorrow. when i put stuff off til tomorrow i feel like i didnt accomplish anything. when i feel like i didnt accomplish anything i feel like a failure. when i feel like a failure i feel all depressed and like crap.

i really hope i dont start feeling like this all the time again.

i can't do it.

i've spent 90% of today feeling as if being anywhere near a cliff would be enough incentive to jump off it

and i'm pretty sure that feeling where you feel like you're about to cry is my natural state of being.

iiiiiiiiii feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel sickkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

sick sick sick sick sick. yuck. go awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

sometimes this is how i feel

http://recoveryisbeautiful.tumblr.com/post/31984152136

i cant accomplish anything to save my life

speech, figuring out what i actually want to do.........idk. i feel like my entire life will just come down to whatever falls into my lap because i cant seem to do anything on my own

i hate those moments when you have your whole life ahead of you and you already feel like you've wasted it

wow. ok. right.

http://remember-us-remember-perfection.tumblr.com/post/31937092464/something-you-should-know-about-your-abuser

i want it to go away

sometimes i feel uncomfortable in my own skin

clothes feel super restricting. touching anything - the couch, the computer on my leg, whatever. even my SKIN feels like its too small.

kind of lonely.

and a little sad. some rough conversations tonight. :( i wish i could just curl up and it would all go away

kind of corny, but total guilty pleasure

http://recoveryisbeautiful.tumblr.com/post/31923967645
i love these two <3

http://whoneedsfeminism.tumblr.com/post/31475281662/tw-sexual-assault-i-need-feminism-because-i

wow.

“Lately I’ve been thinking about who I want to love, and how I want to love, and why I want to love the way I want to love, and what I need to learn to love that way, and who I need to become to become the kind of love I want to be…….and when I break it all down, when I whittle it into a single breath, it essentially comes out like this: Before I die, I want to be somebody’s favorite hiding place, the place they can put everything they know they need to survive, every secret, every solitude, every nervous prayer, and be absolutely certain I will keep it safe. I will keep it safe.”

—	Andrea Gibson

i dont know when ill be able to talk to you again

no seriously. i am very upset about a mistake i have made and you compare it to your experiences and say its no big deal? if its no big deal to you, well thats your feelings. dont say i cant be upset by something just because you arent.

and never, NEVER NEVER say those words to me. "if they really didn't want to, they wouldn't give in"

DONT YOU DARE.
because what does that mean you think? that everyone who was raped must have wanted it?
i can't.....i just can't

ive overlooked a lot, because as i am well aware (now more than ever) that cycle is hard to escape. when that's all you know, its hard to see that isn't everyone's normal, and more than that, that your normal isnt healthy.

but that.....that's going to take some time.

im shaking

welp.

add that to the list of things i need to fix. you know, not raping my boyfriend.

yup, sounds about right.

http://survivor-problems.tumblr.com/post/31615624548/after-being-in-an-abusive-relationship

rawr.

i dont know how i feel tonight. ive been thinking about a lot - i cant even remember all what. i feel pretty weird though

don't worry, she'll be gone soon

i'll be back at school, and then all you guys can go back to your perfect lives without me.
i don't care what happens, i'm not living at home next summer. period.

even my shirt is bothering me...

this is the first time i can think of that this has happened with an inanimate object while i was awake. i mean, i got hot, which made me super uncomfortable, which happens often. however, while i usually feel extremely uncomfortable when im touching something warm like that, this is the first time its had such a thisisbadthingsneedtostoptouchingme effect. sometimes that happens when i suddenly wake up and im not always very sure whats going on. this time.......i knew it was a blanket. i still cant put my shirt on.

i just spazzed out because there was a blanket on my back

....................It was behind me sitting on the couch. Suddenly I just felt suffocated (it was nowhere near my face) and like i couldnt stand to be touched and now i cant even sit up against the couch. why.

you know, my best friend pisses me off a lot

especially over the internet. i understand her in person and i love her in person. online she seems whiny and self obsessed. but let me tell you, shaili, you are coming through for me when i really need you. thank you.

fuck friends who cant use google maps.

seriously, you press like 2 buttons. learn to do something for yourself for once.

this isnt hard.

i dont know how to stop thinking

like, ever.

so often i feel like i'm just being a baby

not doing ok right now.

not at all.

can i just curl up in a ball and stop participating in life?

so few things i enjoy anymore

seeing tray. seeing friends - they break up the norm, make me forget. sitting by the lake. bike riding. playing music would, if i had a way to play. there isnt much else i can think of. cant i just stay in bed all day?

ugh.

i try to read anything interesting about ending rape culture and BAM. there always has to be some line in there that's like. oh hey. remember me? how could you forget? thanks. just thanks.

i feel nauseous

not from being sick though. the kind of sick when you see or hear or feel something so shocking or  inconceivably horrible that you physically feel nauseous. i have no idea why, but very suddenly, yea, thats how i feel.

another off topic post

my best friend LOVES to complain. just LOVES it. her life is SO DAMN HORRIBLE. fine, you know, you got problems, and i got no problem letting you talk it out. but when your problems have easy solutions and you simply refuse to fix them? sorry, i have no sympathy. not when theyre all you talk about and they're SUCH A BIG DEAL. if theyre such a problem, FIX THEM. you want to complain about them, or that you have a bad day on occasion? fine. you want to try to fix them and talk about how its rough? ill listen. but if you want to reject every solution and just wallow in how your life sucks and then make them worse by what you actually do try? sorry, im tired of hearing it.

a little bit different problem

i am by nature a journalist. im good at writing, good at filming, am naturally curious and ask a lot of questions. however, as ive looked into more survivor stories, many find happiness by becoming advocates and helping others. would that make me happier?

my chest hurts

mornings used to be good, nights were always bad

why have i been waking up feeling sad lately? i mean, mornings werent always perfect, but it was always just lethargic, no motivation.......not actual sadness. lately, its been sadness. i dont know what's changed.

its helped to put my feelings in words on this blog

but honestly, nothing helped like actually talking about it today. because i was talking to my best friend, someone i can trust, who i know only wants the best for me. so thank you. it really did help.

but i dont want you to feel bad

so if you read this tonight, and i hope you dont, PLEASE just stick it in the back of your head. or ignore it completely! do whatever you have to. youre having fun. i dont want to ruin your night.

what if im always stuck the way i am now?

i have friends with mothers who are depressed. i wont do that to a kid. i wont. i cant.

i need to find a coping mechanism

like right now

i feel stuck.

stuck, and worthless, and alone.

worthless.

as usual.

bored. boredbored. boredboredbored.

actually, not bored. fidgety. i feel like i need to be DOING something. dont know what though.

why is it hard to swallow?

i feel like im choking

drowning. drowning drowning drowning.

i hate that sometimes there is only one thing worth living for in my life. but at least its you.

apparently it's one of those days

usually i wake up fine. usually it doesn't carry over into the next day. today, i feel almost as bad as i did at my worst last night. its the last thing i need.

doctor who and peanut butter pie cant cure everything apparently

everything i wanted in life

and its a subaru commercial

and im not doing so well tonight

im going to be sick and i cant remember to take my stupid birth control to save my life and i have stuff to do tonight articles to write and i have too much to eat for lunch tomorrow and so the subway's going to get soggy and im not even going to enjoy my last day because i still have too many articles to write tonight and i just need it all to stop

i need help.

seriously, anyone?

i wish i could step out of my life the way i step out of a character in a script

i want to hit something. really hard.

theres a heaviness in my chest that is making it impossible to eat even though my stomach feels emptier than it has any right to be

why is tonight so sad?

tonight i'll dream i won't wake up, because sometimes it's easier to pretend that's true.

but if it were that easy i'd have been dead a long time ago.

sad tonight.

i miss her.

when i think of whats important in my life its him

everything pales in comparison to him
and i've known this
its always scared me, even now
but this fear just makes everything else look so stupid

i am legitimately a horrible person

this is not self pity. this is not any of my issues. this is the truth. i have relied on you for a year. i have told you i loved you, said i'd spend my life with you, called you my best friend - and have been not even half the person to you that you are to me. i have been an incredibly, unbelievably selfish and unseeing person. the thought of losing you right now is one of the scariest things i've ever had to experience. i owe you so much to begin with, and even more because of how i've wronged you. please, PLEASE, give me a chance to make it right.

oh tray

why is it that i begin to figure it all out, but too late?

tray i love you.

if i mess this up it will be the biggest mistake of my life.

please give me a second chance. i can be the person you need i swear.

youre all i want.

i honestly hadnt thought about it

about how my feelings affect you. just because im having a bad day, you shouldnt have to bend your feelings to accommodate mine. and i know i make you do that a lot more than i should. i mean, i've worried about how you feel about my feelings, but not how i disregard your feelings and expect you to just tend to me. i really am sorry. and im not going to do that anymore.

im going to get this back under control

i promise

god i suck

why do i bother?

no, the question is, why do you bother?

tell me please, since you dont find it funny

what part of my life is worth living anyway? im haunted by things i cant get over. you are the one good thing in my life and youre too good for me anyway, so what happens when you leave? i cant feel happy on my own. and im not worth anything to anyone anyway

i swear to god, can i just skip september?

because seriously, it sucks. a lot.

wish i had a cigarette

or a gun. you know, whatever works.

you know it really sucks when you can look at one moment in your life and say "itll never be as good as if it had worked out"

theres no reason for it now

maybe there never was. mistakes mistakes mistakes.

its too much

im feeling too much. theres too much right now. i want it to end.

i just want you to take it back

its too much. too long. it cant be real.

why are you doing this right now?

this is when i need you most.

everything falls apart.

it always falls apart. right now, too.

why even pretend that it matters?

why do i bother with anything?

it would be so much easier if i didnt

there was something to being heartless and not worrying about any of it

no its ok

really, it is. my feelings dont matter at all.

i dont know why i bother

:( i just get on everyones nerves anyway

this is cute

http://www.google.com/imgres?num=10&hl=en&biw=1383&bih=787&tbm=isch&tbnid=mzOw5k35Eyh0BM:&imgrefurl=http://thebestshowever.tumblr.com/&docid=A4QNeN5jdpanCM&imgurl=http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lt0mme7GdT1r3gedxo1_1280.jpg&w=1015&h=768&ei=FR5JUM6AC-qe2AWah4DYAQ&zoom=1&iact=rc&dur=312&sig=109553337161226092636&page=1&tbnh=129&tbnw=201&start=0&ndsp=29&ved=1t:429,r:1,s:0,i:81&tx=116&ty=51

but forever is still a long time. its a really big word.

from last night, when the internet was down

the internet and cable are both down, everyone is in bed, and i am freaking out. i cant stand not having people to talk to, or without hearing people on the tv
it feels too lonely
it just kills me

ugh

you know, it sucks when people who supposedly know you so well just dont even notice when you're upset. and when they arent helping

hi blog.

i haven't written in a while. being at home is different than being at school. i simply soldier through things more at home - i have to. no one knows. i cant just stay in bed and wail about nightmares or how fucked up i am. it does come up less this way...i think its more miserable when it does though. i surpress it, i know. usually unconsciously, although when its actually in my head i need to do it consciously. those times are the worst because its impossible to concentrate on anything. acting like a functioning human being literally takes all of my focus.
theres a lot more self-blame at home though. call it habit, catholic guilt, whatever, but i tend to blame myself for things. thats how im able to suck it up - tell myself to stop being a wimp, everyone else has problems and you dont see them moping around. no pity parties at home. which, i usually end up feeling good about that because i have more normal days. until i start doing things like freaking out for two hours because a lady yelled at me for cutting her off, or sobbing in my car because i turned the wrong way down the street. those cracks - thats when i see it. that i have more normal days but only because everything else gets locked away and shamed into not coming out. maybe my normal days have always been that way. i cant remember.
when im good its easy to feel like this normalcy is better. it doesnt disrupt my life, i feel less depressed; its easy to feel like theres nothing wrong with me. but when it comes out, its so lonely. when it comes out im fighting for air, trying to act like i can still function at a normal level because at those moments i really cant. and i cant fix it. and i cant tell anyone. i cant do anything. thats bad. and then theres night, when it comes out a lot, and the sadness and the loneliness feels like itll crush me. i feel like the only person in the world, like theres no hope. no way out. thats the worst.

at school, its always there. i cant escape it. but its more evenly spread. mostly unhappy, but stable, rather than mostly functioning and in a good mood (i dont know if im ever truely happy) punctured by the worst episodes. remembering how it was at school, i feel guilty and think "well why couldnt i suck it up then? im fine now; i was just being a baby." but then i realize, theres that self blame again. and its so fucking confusing - do i actually feel better sucking it up? or am i just shaming myself into thinking thats what i should do? i have no idea. at school, the lows are deeper but its a shorter fall. but at school i dont feel alone because i can look at tray and know that theres someone there, on my side. with me. rooting for me. i dont feel like i have to suck it up, so i dont. i wallow, but i dont feel like its my fault. i dont know how to get out though either. i also have to realize that its going to be worse at school because im with tray. i have to face it. i have to have sex and i have to be in love with him and its that same dynamic and what if it happens again. and whenever i think that all i have to do is think of tray and i know hed never do that to me. but the fear, the skeptism is there. the first reaction is to check it out - not to trust him, but to find the red flags, the signs. its like being afraid of heights and being stuck on an elevator at the sears tower. each time the door opens youre afraid its going to be too high. but then you actually look and its not actually that high, youre ok, youre fine. but then the next floor, well, you dont know. and the doors open again and its the same thing; its always the same thing. its having your biggest fear right in front of you. no, your biggest fear and 50 of its harmless twins. youre always waiting for it to pop up. just instinctively - no matter how much you know youre only on the second floor, or that hes a good guy, your first thought is always that this is the time.

its close. its so close. i trust him with my life, with all of it. everything that i could possibly tell, no matter how secret, he knows. i never have to worry. but every time, i do. everytime he gets mad, im afraid. and then i blame myself. and then i hate myself for blaming myself because its what ive always done..... and thats how it happened before. and then i hate myself because i know that i could so easily slip back into that. but then part of me knows im being unfair to tray because he wouldnt take advantage of how i felt the way steve did. but feeling like im not giving him enough credit and im being too harsh just leads me to feel even more like i should listen to him and then i feel more like it is happening, because that feeling that i SHOULD listen to him, that overwhelming feeling that isnt a suggestion but more of a command, thats what steve used, or cultivated, im not sure. but thats THAT feeling. and then im scared. im scared and i hate myself. and it takes a while before i can be coaxed back into being myself.

the fear is there too. every time i tell him something and he doesnt react the way i expect, i worry. i worry that he'll leave. that despair, that fear of losing him - i mean, its worth it to compromise a little, right? but he used that against me too. it wasnt compromising it was bullying. and it was again and again and again. and every time, i was afraid of losing him. and im so confused, because i dont want to lose tray. i KNOW that. but i didnt want to lose steve either. so whats the difference? where is the line where its ok? when is it ok to be afraid to lose him? when should i actually feel that way and when should i worry that im getting lost in the relationship? im still my own person, right? sometimes it doesnt feel that way, although i know that that correlates with when im feeling really depressed, really down, hopeless, worthless. when i cant see that im worth anything, i cant see that theres anything there anyway.

its always going to be harder with tray because i have to look it straight in the face. i cant ignore the abuse or forget about it because the potential is there. not in him, in me. in dating period? idk. but its always going to be worse because its closer. its always going to be worse until i can actually sort all this out in my head and fix it. i dont know when thatll be though. it isnt the birth control, it isnt the place, its constantly facing my fear everyday. it just wears me down. its worth it though, it really is. hes worth it. hes my best friend.

Guilt. Lots of guilt.

for everything. its ridiculous how bad i feel about things. i just beat myself up for no reason. i dont know how to stop though

Worthless.

As always :( tonight is bad. For no real reason too. How come whenever I feel this way I want to have sex? I swear to god that's all I'm good for.....

I really need to find some way to cope.

These nights are going to kill me. I don't know how to deal with them.

Depression sucks

Can I just crawl into bed and never ever one out? Because that would be great. K thanks.

It's literally another world.

That this could be a gift? I can't even comprehend the meaning of that sentence. The first stanza, the first two lines, contain my whole world. My ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD. The second stanza doesn't exist. Is incomprehensible. Another language. Dimension. Is nothing to me, because it can't exist.

Triggers.

Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers. SOOOOOOOOOO many triggers. Mental deer in headlights terror. stop fucking with me.

This is completely, totally, unbelievably overwhelming. In every sense of the word.

http://autumnruins.tumblr.com/post/27416244922

They're all bad days.

So I guess saying I'm having a bad day isn't really saying anything. But there are heavy days and there are light days. Both are bad, both are sad, but heavy days feel like I'm drowning. Light days just feel like I'm treading water. Yesterday was a light day. Today is a heavy day.

I'm never happy anymore.

I don't think I even know how to be happy anymore. I just can't shake this sadness, this feeling that I'm not good enough and that I should just give up before I mess anything else up. And it's only getting worse.

It's every night now.

I used to have some good nights. I thought it was the birth control but now I'm not sure because I feel just as depressed as before.

I'm tired of my problems hurting Tray.

I'm tired of feeling like I'm not good enough.

I can't shake this depression.

It began when I really started missing Caylee. Then it felt worse when I got my period. And I can't shake it now. Is this from my period? Is this how it's going to be EVERY time I have my period? Because I don't know where this came from, but I can't do it.

Why do I feel so lonely?

I felt so removed when I was hanging out with my friends. Even when I was with them, I felt alone. Now that I'm just sitting at home by myself, I feel even more alone.

I want someone who knows exactly how I feel.

Not someone who can fix it. Someone who can look at me and say, I know. Not I understand how you feel, not I can relate, but I know. And I want them to tell me that this will get better, because they know. Not because "it always gets better" or because "time heals all wounds," but because they can say, "Look, I know. It sucked and it sucked and it sucked and then you had less days that sucked and then your sucky days sucked less and then you were at least mostly ok."

I wish there was a way to feel at peace with this.

It's grieving just like anything else. 5 years later, shouldn't it be easier? Today feels as bad as just after. I shouldn't keep feeling this way....I don't know how to accept it though.

I never had her back.

Yet somehow this past night has felt like she was taken from me all over again. Is this what every scare is going to be like from here on out? Losing her again and again and again?

Just a dream.

I don't think I'll ever be stable enough to have a family. If this is how bad I get 5 years later over a baby I never met that I shouldn't have ever wanted......no, I'm too fucked up to raise kids. I couldn't do that to them.

I just wish I could have one day.

I'm never going to have that shiny, picture-perfect future, am I?

Oh Caylee....

I miss you. It hurts so much. Losing you will forever be one of the most painful things to ever happen to me. And now I'm afraid it may happen again. Worse, that I might need to CHOOSE for it to happen. How could I live with that? Maybe I'm not, but I kind of think I am. But the thing is, even though it's not you, but it feels like I could lose you all over again. Shouldn't it feel different? Does it even matter? Either way, it's the same pain. I can't do it. God, I miss you.

Sad.

sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. missing you sucks. 

I should really stop staying up so late.

All that happens is i feel lonely and there is no one to talk to. It isn't a good feeling.

Lonely.

I miss Tray. I miss talking to him. I miss this time of night, when I've been procrastinating and I can look over and see him sleeping and I don't feel alone then. He is a constant reminder that there is someone who actually cares about me. He knows everything and he still cares about me. He chooses to stay; he doesn't need to. Knowing there's someone who cares that much is just one of the most comforting feelings in the world.

I feel like myself.

My old self. I haven't felt this way in a while. I missed it.
But it worries me because I also feel single.

I wouldn't take it back.

It doesnt make sense, but I wouldn't take it back, I wouldn't redo anything. It made me me. I don't always like me - I don't like me a lot - but that doesn't mean that I won't someday. And there are some parts of me I do like, and there are parts of me I think I could like someday. And as much as I hate it, I wouldn't change it.

This is a petty complaint

but it really sucks not being able to talk to Tray in person. Even though we could Skype, we end up mostly talking on Facebook. I know he really cares about me, and I know he's being honest, but its hard to remember that when can't hear him say it. It just feels like empty words this way.

I feel so lonely.

I love my family, and it's great to see them again, but it is SO DIFFERENT from living with Tray. Here I feel immature, lazy, and like I'm not good for anything. I'm always getting nagged and yelled at. I feel so much less wanted. When Tray is upset, its usually not my fault, and I can at least get a smile. When it is my fault, its something I actually did. Here, when I try to help I upset people. I don't understand what I'm doing that's wrong. All I know is me being home doesn't help anyone. I feel excluded, different, and alone. I miss my best friend.

Can I just give up?

I don't want to do this anymore.

Who am I fucking kidding.

I can't do this. Even helping my mom research for her paper seems too hard. It's just too heavy.

I did it before. I can do it again.

I loved Steve. It was an unhealthy love, an insecure love, an immature love, but it was still love. He was my first serious boyfriend. That meant that he taught me a lot about love. He taught me that love meant that he was supposed to be the only person in my life - he cut me off from friends, from my support center. He taught me that he was right and I was wrong. He taught me that I was supposed to do what he said. He taught me that I deserved to be punished when I didn't listen to him (he never actually hit me, and he never explicitly threatened me, but he never seemed in control and his body language and reactions were enough). He taught me that I should be afraid to make him mad. He taught me that I was stupid, that I didn't deserve to go to college or accomplish anything. He taught me that this is what love was. Because I was so entrenched in the relationship, when it ended I had no idea how to live in the real world. Everything I'd known had crumbled around me, and I didn't know what to do. Then when I'd realized that the relationship was abusive, the world really crumbled, since it wasn't just losing the person I'd grown accustomed to, but my whole understanding of love, of trust, of care, of what I deserved, was suddenly very different. And so the easiest thing to do - the thing that made the most sense - I blamed love. I said no more - I didn't need a guy, I was going to do everything on my own. Nobody else.

I don't want to be this person anymore.

This is not because I'm having a bad night. That is not a plea. That is a statement, because I have been having too many bad nights. Because I don't like myself anymore. Because I once did like myself. And if I could make myself into someone I liked once, I can do it again. And I'm going to.

I just want to like myself again.

I liked my shell.

It protected me. It was strong and hard and it didn't let anything bad in. I was strong and hard too - I was independent to a fault, jaded more and more by the day, caustic when I wanted to be, sarcastic more than I should have been. I didn't hate men, but I sure didn't need one - or want one. I liked it that way; I liked me that way. Now I'm....not that. I don't always know who I am any more. I feel things now - I love Tray. I cry, I'm haunted by these things I used to shut out. I don't need a man to take care of me, but I like it when  he does. I didn't think I ever could. I used to be a spitfire - I was going to go out and conquer the world. Now I don't know what I want. But I do know that I'm tied down in the way that the old me so desperately feared. I couldn't just pick up and leave if I wanted to. I don't enjoy sleeping alone anymore. And when I'm with Tray, I'm happy. It's so familiar...so right. But when I'm alone, the old me comes out. The stronger me. The me who doesn't understand why I keep letting myself go through all this pain, why I ever shed my shell. Why I don't want to go conquer the world anymore. The old me wonders what the fuck happened to me. The old me doesn't like me anymore. I don't know if I like me any more. I'm too confused to know. I knew who I wanted to be and I made myself into that person and I'm not that person anymore. And I enjoy being the person I am now, but idk if I like her so much. I don't want to give up. I don't want to wake up one day old and tied down and wonder where the fuck my life went, and why I never did all those things I was supposed to. But I don't want to give up what I have....in fact, it's the last thing I want to give up. I don't want to go back to not needing him.....and that was a big part of the old me, that I didn't NEED anyone. But I can't be that person anymore. So I think what I need to do isn't change, but learn to like me again. Which is hard, because it took so long before. I felt so worthless, between the abuse and the rape and the loss. And I decided I didn't like being a person who was just consumed by that....I changed so I could like me. That's how I patched it up - I changed into someone I could like. I knew how it had happened - I had trusted someone I shouldn't have because he threw a few sweet words my way and I felt wanted in a way I never had before. And I knew how to fix the problem - don't trust those sweet words anymore, don't rely on anyone. Make them want me, but on my terms. I liked myself because I felt safe, because I felt like it could never happen again. And that made me strong because I was safe, and I was safe because of me - not because of anyone else. I had fixed it, I had made myself safe, all by myself - I was strong and independent and I LIKED it. I fought those feelings and I locked them away. I was the damsel in distress who stole a sword and killed my own dragon. And now I don't know how to chase those feelings away anymore. I'm back to being that person who was just the abuse and the rape and the loss.....theres a little bit of the old me there - I'm not depressed and introverted and .....sleepwalking through life the way I once did - but the old me does less to make me more than what I've overcome and does more to make me miss how above it I once was. I wanted to be interesting - more than anything, I wanted to be the person people wanted to talk to, the person people actually wanted to listen to. The person who had good stories, could carry on a good conversation because I wasn't the same person as everyone else. But now all I think about is the rape and the abuse and Caylee and Tray, and now all I am is the same depressed person normalized by the same boring relationship stories that everyone has. I've lost me again. I've lost me in all the sadness and the pain and I've sheltered myself with the same dependency I was once so above. And I feel lost and stuck and like I'm drowning and I'm being swallowed by darkness. And I'm not strong enough to pull myself out anymore. And I don't know what to do anymore.

I'm so hungry

But I don't feel like eating. Actually, I don't deserve to eat. It's too much of a luxury for me. I don't even deserve to breathe, if we're really getting down to it. But honestly, dying's too good for me too. God, please, will I ever stop believing that I am worth less than nothing?

Wrong.

This is why I should get my shit together. This has nothing to do with being alone; this is me being the wreck that I always am. God Tara, suck it up.

9 posts in about an hour.

This is why I shouldn't be left alone.

I'm pretty sure that's actually what I'm waiting for.

You to hate me. I'm waiting for that one day when I just say one thing too far, when I'm just a little too pathetic or pathetic too often and you decide you're done. And I'll lose the greatest person who chose to be a part of my life all because I couldn't hold my shit together. That's what I'm waiting for. And then you'll end up happy while I'll be the wreck I always was, and the world will make sense again. It will just make sense in a much sadder, much more hopeless way.

I want you to hate me.

Because by all my accounts, you certainly should. But you don't, and I can't for the life of me understand why.

I wish I could play music while I type this.

I would feel a whole lot less lonely then. But I can't because my computer is in my dorm room instead of yours and I can't go get it because I don't have the keys to get back in. So I'm typing on my iPad, but I can't have YouTube and blogger open at once because YouTube is an app instead of a website, and apps and the Internet don't work at the same time. And there was a point where I could have just turned on your computer and used that, but I can't because I fucked up and now you can't trust me and it's my own damn fault. And the truth is, I really didn't mean it. God, I wish I had been snooping for something incriminating, some breach of trust. Then I would have felt sneaky and bad about it from the beginning, and I either wouldn't have done it or I would have felt like I deserved the aftermath. No, I had to be vain and curious and see if you were actually reading this blog and the reason was so stupid, I didn't even think about the fact that the snooping was wrong. It didn't feel wrong, it felt silly. And then when I found something I almost threw up just from the shock of it, and now that you don't trust me because of it it feels undeserved because in my head it was silly. I know it wasn't right and I know you have every right not to trust me; I actually don't blame you. And it upsets me not because I feel like you changing your password so I can't snoop anymore means you have something to hide, but because it means you don't trust me to say I won't snoop and mean it. And because I fucked up because I was careless, and now you can't trust me when you should be able to trust me and I feel guilty and hurt and dirty and untrustworthy and that wasn't a conscious choice, it was just my instinct. So I didn't even make a bad choice, I'm just a bad person. And it sucks, because I want to give you that privacy and I want you to trust me, but you don't. And you still go on my computer and you should have broken my trust as much as I broke yours by going through my stupid Facebook messages, but I decided it wasn't that big of a deal, because all I would need to do, if I wanted you to stop, was tell you that it wasn't ok. And I trusted that you would have stopped. But apparently you don't feel the same way about me, and that's not because of you that's because of me. I know I'm curious and nosy but I also thought that my word meant something, but apparently not in comparison to those things. And I get it; I really do. I dot think you should give me back your password, since it obviously makes you uncomfortable. I just wish it didn't, or at least that I could agree that I deserved the punishment. And this sounds bitter and passive aggressive, and it is, but it's not aimed at you, it's aimed at myself. You're doing the right thing, I'm the one who fucked up. I just wish for once, I could have done something right.

I hate you sometimes.

I hate you because before you, I knew I was fucked up. And I knew that I would fuck up everyone around me. So I made a decision a long time ago that I didn't want kids because I would fuck them up, and I don't want to put a child through that. And I knew it was for the best and I was fine with it, knowing I was doing better by any future children I might have had by simply not having them. But you had to come around and want kids and maybe even a future with me. And you had to make me happy enough that I want a future with you, and now maybe I want that future where we can be together and have kids and we can all be happy. But the problem is I'm still fucked up, and so I don't know that that happy future exists. But now thanks to you, I want it anyway. And worse, you want it too, so once again, it's not just me who's going to be disappointed.

I'm posting a lot tonight.

But I'm alone and all these thoughts running through my head are more upsetting when they stay there. So you get to hear every one because I want to survive a couple of hours by myself.

I know I said that some of these entries may be happy.

But truth is I only really seem to blog when I'm upset. So sorry guys, you don't get happy.

Sometimes I want to feel things.

Sometimes I want to be numb. But it isn't that I can't make up my mind; it just seems I want the opposite of whatever I've got.

Sometime I wish you left when you meant to.

Because then I wouldnt have to hurt. I wouldn't have to feel these things because they'd still be bottled up, buried where they couldnt hurt me. I measure have been perfectly happy living my pointless, one goal to the next and hope to god you die young existence. Well, not happy; I didn't let myself feel really anything then. But not unhappy either. Ignorance is bliss after all. And back then I didnt know how fucked up I really was. I had an inkling, but it was buried so deeply it didn't warrant consideration. I didnt have these nights; I didn't feel this pain. Or maybe the night that would have caused you to leave would have caused me to feel this pain anyway, but the thing is I wouldn't have needed to get better. I wouldn't have even needed to get through it. I get through it for you; I want to get better because of you, because I don't want you to miss out on your life because I'm busy missing out on mine. If you had left I wouldn't need to. If I fell apart there wouldn't have been anyone who cared around to watch it. I could have ignored this for the rest of my life if you had just left when you wanted to, and you wouldn't have had to deal with skipping hanging with your friends because of me. For any reason. I want to fix these things because I hate the fact that I am ruining your life. But they aren't easy to fix, and I'm hurting you in the meantime.

I am alone.

I am alone and upset, and I can't handle being alone right now. I'm losing my mind. I just keep beating myself up for every little thing and I can't shake it when there is no one here to remind me that sometimes I'm a good person. Realistically, I know I am, but everything right now is telling me that really, I'm not. And I don't know how to stop listening.

I feel sad.

For no reason, really. I just feel sad.

So I think I know why I love sex.

It's almost like I'm trying to get back what I lost. When I was raped, the ability to see, feel sex as something coming from a caring place, from love, was lost to me. The only feelings I can feel in regards to sex are those that identity with rape. Lust? Sure. power? Of course. Pure carnal satisfaction? Duh. All those can identify with rape. I enjoy sex, I love it - but I think the reason for my almost insatiable sex drive isn't love for the pleasure I get from sex, but this...quest, almost, of trying to recover the ability to have sex that could be love. As if every time I have sex, there's a chance to fix what he broke. A hunger to get that bit of feeling, of love back into my life. I'm enjoying the sex in the meantime, but really, even it if means I do regain the sex drive of a normal girl, I want to be able to feel during sex.

Thank you.

Yes you. Thank you. For everything you do for me everyday. For being there, for taking care of me, for making me so goddamn happy every day, for loving me. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm grateful for every day I have you.

I'm pretty sure all I'm good for is sex.

That's why I like it so much. I enjoy it, and I'm actually good for something. Everybody wins. Sex=point to my pointless existence.

I hate myself.

When I'm in a bad mood, at least. i don't know what's wrong with me, but i want it to go away. Please. i hate the person i become - that I'm reduced to.

Why does life suck?

Seriously. I don't know why I'm here. Nobody needs me. Sad, isn't it?

Still thinking about it.

Can't it go away for just a little while? Can't I just think about nothing?

Re-reading my posts

I sound like a crazy person. Everything is so overdramatic and so over-exaggerated. That isn't to say I was making things up; that is exactly how I felt at the time. I'm just realizing how much my feelings do change when I'm having a bad week. Admittedly, the past couple of weeks had been really bad, some of the worst in a while. I'd known that my feelings were radically different during bad weeks, but some of these posts still surprise me. For example, when I allude to contemplating suicide. That is hardly the norm, and is actually normally even hard for me to comprehend - I can't wrap my head around feeling down enough, desperate enough to even consider it a viable option - yet I know that when I feel so depressed, it honestly does make sense to me. But I can't understand those feelings or where they are coming from when I'm not having a bad day.
When I say all my feelings seem overdramatic and over-exaggerated, it's because when I feel depressed, all those feelings become so much bigger and deeper and all-encompassing. I feel and think in a way that is vastly different from when I'm not in a bad mood. My spectrum of feelings becomes so much more limited as to what types of emotions I can feel, but it makes up for it with depth that I could drown in. All the hopelessness... Admittedly, I don't have a guiding purpose to my life like most people do - I thought it was journalism, my future career, but that seems so hollow, and I don't think that's really it. Is it a part of my life? Yes. My purpose? No. When I feel happy - when I'm not depressed - it just makes me feel like I'm missing something that I haven't discovered yet, or that I left behind. It makes me think I need to get back into music or bike riding or begin volunteering, find something that could give me purpose. When I am depressed, it feels less like something is missing, and more like a lack of purpose for even existing. The difference in outlook is staggering.
The same is true of my relationship with Tray. I love him, all the time. That is not exaggerated. What is exaggerated is how, when I'm depressed, I romanticize everything. In particular, I'm thinking of when I said "I sometimes feel like I don't know how either of us was a whole person without the other." Tray is as familiar and as normal to be around as my shadow; that doesn't feel like an exaggeration. Having him around is so completely normal, no matter when or what I'm doing. However, we were certainly both whole people without each other; we still are. When I'm happy, I love Tray and I am closer to him than anybody, but when I'm depressed, he often feels like the only consistently good thing in my life and the only thing left to hang on to. It makes it as easy to over-exaggerate those feelings as much as the hopeless and suicidal feelings.
I'd known from remembering or re-reading conversations that I think and feel entirely differently when I'm depressed, but when I'm talking to someone else I at least sound normal, as if I'm translating. This blog....I've written these posts at some my lowest points, without censoring or questioning my thoughts or feelings. I'm just now realizing how differently I see the world depending on my mood. It scares me.

I cried.

http://reclaimyourvoice.tumblr.com/post/7797574660

I read this list, and I cried. I've read stuff like this before, but never has one affected me so deeply. It was so immensely comforting. Everything you read says "You aren't to blame. You aren't the only one," but this list seemed to MEAN it. I can't even explain it. Just that the last three sentences made me feel both more broken and more ok than anything else ever has.

This may seem strange to find on a blog about dealing with rape

but I love BDSM. Bondage, submission, spanking, choking, slapping...even rape role-play. There is something so empowering about taking back something that hurt me so much. Controlling it myself. Making it mine. Taking what was used to make me so powerless and now using it to be in charge -- if, when, with whom, how long, how hard. It's empowering. It's laughing in the face of everything that's hurt me, saying "I'm stronger than you thought I was. You haven't broken me, and you won't. I'm in charge, and I can do this. I can do anything."

I'm waiting for him to hurt me.

Everyone leaves, and when they do, it hurts. Usually, it isn't just the leaving; they do something to hurt you too. That's what I'm waiting for. Everything I've known before tells me that someday, he'll hurt me. We've known for a while that Tray someday wants kids and a family; I don't. I didn't even want to get married, but he's shown me that maybe marriage can be different than what I thought. We've started talking about how maybe this isn't a temporary thing, and how, even hough he knows its still far off and nothing is for sure, he hopes to marry me someday. We've talked about the idea that if we make it through college that might happen.  Yet as we get more and more serious, I feel more and more like I'm just waiting for him to hurt me. I trust him completely, but I don't feel like I trust him not to get tired of me, or that he won't want something better someday. He deserves someone better. I'm just waiting for him to realize that.

I feel empty after sex.

I know sometimes, sex is just sex. That's how it started out between me and Tray. But it wasn't long before it became more than just sex. It matters that the sex is with him. I trust him not to hurt me, and there is some sort of connection. But at the same time, it feels more like familiarity than love. I love Tray, and he loves me, but I don't feel that in the sex. Aren't you supposed to? Everything about sex to me is just sex -- or, at the very least, not love. And I love sex. Tray and I have great sex. And during and after I feel great and alive and the sex itself is amazing and afterwards I'm practically euphoric, but then that fades and I feel empty. As if it was all a product of the moment, and it really meant nothing. And I can't get past this feeling that sex and love have to be two separate things, even when the person you're having sex with is someone you love.

I want to feel safe.

I want to feel happy. I want to feel loved even when I'm days into a funk and I can tell that everyone wants me to just snap out of it. I want to feel like everything I've gone through doesn't make me a bad person. I want to feel like I'm not the guilty one. I want to feel like I'm not an inconvenience. I want to feel like I'm not wrong. I want to feel like this hasn't broken me. I want to feel like maybe I can come out of this a better person. I want to feel like all the pain I've gone through hasn't been for nothing. I want to feel like things will get easier. Maybe then I can feel safe.

I don't know of anyone else.

I think that's why I can't stop thinking about it. Thinking and reading and writing about it. I don't know anyone else who has been through this. Anyone who can say "you can overcome this. It isn't who you are." anyone who can tell me they understand, that they feel that way too. Anyone who can tell me, from the same place as me, that it's not my fault. That I'm not to blame. That I can let go of the self hate and the guilt and the "I should have"s. I need someone who understands to tell me that and mean it. Maybe then I'll be able to believe it.

I have survivor's guilt.

Which is really dumb because no one died. I just...whenever I do something cool, something I'm lucky to be able to do - specifically, my college had a formal at an awesome loft place in downtown Chicago - and I realized how few people will get the chance to do something like that. And I felt privileged. But not in a good "I'm so lucky to be able to have this experience" way. But in a "God, I don't deserve this at all" way. In a "someone who didn't do this awful thing that I (had happen to me?) (really didn't do?) allowed to happen...actually deserves this" kind of way. It makes it really hard to enjoy things, when you feel guilty for even being there. And you know, it's weird that I feel this way. Because I would never tell anyone else who'd been raped, assaulted, had almost any sort of hardship that they didn't deserve something because it had happened. So I don't know why I don't deserve it. I can tell you I don't though. I told my friend that I don't feel like my life has meaning. He responded by insisting every life has meaning. Which I 150% agree with (and have told my friend more than once when she was feeling particularly close to the edge)....but I still can't say that mine does. Why?

I don't know why I do this, but when I get bored I think about the rape.

I think it's just always hiding there. And every time I get bored or try not to think about something (Caylee) and think about something else (anything), my mind goes to the rape. Not like a flashback though - I'm lucky, I don't really get those - .....but I'm afraid it's becoming who I am. Because I feel like it's all I think about anymore. It's taking over. The guilt, the blame, the shame, the feeling like I'm doing something wrong because I dare to even acknowledge it. I feel dirty. I feel like I need to hide what I'm doing or I'll get in trouble. I feel like lately - as I've realized just how shut down I had become, and how I based everything I cared about on goals that existed simply because I needed something to get through, as I've realized how utterly without point my life had become - I feel like I've adopted the rape as my point. Not as my point, but as a goal - to fix myself, to overcome it. But when it's all I have it becomes overwhelming. And I don't know if this is because I have nothing else or if this is because it is too much and it would take over no matter what. But I feel like it's always there.

I get lonely sometimes.

Yup. That's all. When I'm alone I get lonely. Sometimes when I'm with people. It's a really empty lonely though, because it's an "I feel lonely without her" and so it's sad too, not just lonely. It just makes me want to cry and scream and hit someone because it isn't fair and then curl in a ball and sob. It's heavy.

I really do consider myself lucky.

I have beautiful people in my life. (I'm actually tearing up thinking about it.) I have the most wonderful friends: the boy, who at this point is my life; my best friend who feels like my sister, who deals with so many of the same feelings of worthlessness and who can't see what an amazing gift she is to those around her; my best friend who I can be carefree with, not because she even knows I have these feelings but because we know each other well enough that we instinctively understand each other, but all we ever are is silly; my friend who acts as my therapist and listens to me whine about whatever and gives me advice, and a kick in the pants, whenever I need it. My family is amazing; we have our issues like anyone else, but they do mean the world to me. My grandma is one of the most important people in my life; I love her dearly. My mother, as stubborn and argumentative as we both are, is someone I admire greatly and who I don't dread (most of the time) to grow up to be. My father is always there for me, and, even though I feel like our relationship almost revolves around sports, having that is not only enough, but exactly what I need. I never feel alone when I'm with my aunts; I'm like one of the sisters. My dogs have the most amazing personalities and can make me smile no matter what. These are the people I have to live for. 

Stuck.

The worst part is feeling like I don't have anything to live for. Not because it hurts; hardly. I've accepted it. Its just so hard to live with. When everything seems pointless, how do you find the motivation to do anything? For stuff that us easy and instant-gratification, I don't have much of a problem. But for anything that requires effort, it always seems so pointless. Sometimes simply being told I have to do it is enough, if I'm not too down usually don't bother to wonder why I should bother doing it. Having someone rely on it, where I don't want to let them down, is about the only way to actually convince me to put in effort anymore. Just living up to expectations. Really, sometimes I feel as if I only exist through other people's expectations for me.

This is where Tray comes in.

I feel needed again. I feel happy again. We get along so well. I enjoy every moment I spend with him; in eight months I haven't ever gotten tired of him. And he's stuck around through all of this, which would have completely justified leaving. Even more, he's put up with every annoying habit I have (believe me, there are a lot). I can't even say we have a connection -- we get along to a point that I sometimes feel like I don't know how either of us was a whole person without the other. He makes me feel like I can still find - like I still have - meaning and purpose in my life. I don't feel so empty when I'm with him. The love that I thought I'd lost the capacity to feel, I feel it for him. I thought that Caylee left a hole that nothing, no one could ever fill. There will always be a hole; she will always have her place. But he's showed me that my whole heart isn't a hole -- there's still part of it left. He tells me that I make his life better. I don't understand how I possibly could, but I believe him. He means so much to me; if I can make his life better just by being here, that's enough to make me feel at least like I have a reason to keep breathing and maybe do a little more than just enjoy the time I've had.

I do miss her though.

I miscarried at about 5 weeks. I was 15; I was in no way ready to have a baby. But I wanted her anyway. I didn't set out to have a kid; I didn't want A kid. I wanted her. I felt different when I was pregnant. I missed my period, and I'd had scares before, but about a week or two in, I knew this was different. You know how they say pregnant women glow? I felt like I was glowing. Like my heart was suddenly so happy I turned into a living night light. I could feel it. And I loved her. As soon as I felt her I loved her, and I knew in that second she mattered more to me than anyone or anything else in my life. I would have done anything for her. She became my purpose for living. Not that she took over it, but that as soon as I felt her I recognized that she was the greatest thing I could ever hope to achieve; she was what I was living for. So when I lost her, she took that with her. I still miss her, so, so much. Some days it feels hard to breathe knowing that I'm living without her. I feel like I have no more motivation to live; she was it. She was the reason I was alive. Now she's gone. I don't know which is worse - missing her, or the void she left behind.

I'm sometimes ok.

Every night is not a battle. Every moment of my life is not haunted. I actually consider myself a happy person. When I think of my life, I think of the happy times. I try to appreciate small gestures, simple beauty, everyday moments. Most of the time, I am happy. I can't say that I feel like my life is worth living by any measure; I can't say that I am afraid of or dread dying, or that I haven't thought of ending it myself.  However, I have enjoyed the time I've had, and most of the time I plan on enjoying the rest of the time I'm given. I enjoy my life. I have days, nights, weeks when I worry about nothing more than any college student (probably less). Yet these nights do creep up, when something triggers one issue or the other and the feelings overwhelm me. This blog will probably reflect that. It will sometimes be about the rape; it will sometimes be about Caylee. Sometimes it may be my feelings during an episode, when I am absorbed in grief or when I believe every horrible thing I could possibly think about myself. Sometimes it will be me trying to figure out these feelings, and, more importantly, how to put them to rest. This blog may seem completely fractured. It will, I'm sure, be updated sporadically,  probably at night since that's when the thinking is usually the worst. I'm hoping it will show or lead to progress; however, I'm starting it because I've been getting worse and worse and so it might reflect that instead. But I'm trying to move on with my life, and I'm trying to be the person that Tray wants me to be. So that's what I'm hoping to find.

This is for those nights

when it's hard to think. Those nights when everything makes me think of her. Or when the world is crashing in and I want to let it crush me because I'm worthless and I still feel like it's my fault and I deserve this. This is for those nights when my entire existence feels reduced to a single event, whichever one it may be. Even though the same night started everything, the two almost never overlap. They are so fundamentally different that they never could. One is the loss of the most important person in my life, as well as the most important this I could ever aspire to do with my life. It's mourning an insurmountable loss. The other is the robbery of my worth as a person. He didn't respect me, and everything he did reinforces the idea in my mind that I am as worthless as he thought I was when he thought my feelings, my ability to chose didn't matter. One immobilizes me with grief that makes life seem unlivable; one berates me until I don't feel worthy to live. They are not and never will be the same.

I'm doing this for a guy.

How cliché. I already sound like an idiot. But this guy is my best friend. He is there for me every step of the way. He's the one who listened, and who kept listening. And that's pretty big, because most people, when you tell them - hell, any of it - they listen, and they let you say what happened, and then they are so clearly uncomfortable that you don't even want to talk about it again. But he listened, and he let me say everything I needed to say and he let me feel what I needed to feel. He let me let my guard down and show him these feelings that I wouldn't always even admit to myself. And he still does, every time. Even though that was eight months ago and he said he couldn't deal with another broken girl, he's still here. He says I'm not broken. He believes in me. And what he wants is for me to be better. So I'm going to be. I'm doing this for him. Because I stopped caring a long time ago about doing anything for me; I'm not worth the effort. But he, well, he is.