I liked my shell.

It protected me. It was strong and hard and it didn't let anything bad in. I was strong and hard too - I was independent to a fault, jaded more and more by the day, caustic when I wanted to be, sarcastic more than I should have been. I didn't hate men, but I sure didn't need one - or want one. I liked it that way; I liked me that way. Now I'm....not that. I don't always know who I am any more. I feel things now - I love Tray. I cry, I'm haunted by these things I used to shut out. I don't need a man to take care of me, but I like it when  he does. I didn't think I ever could. I used to be a spitfire - I was going to go out and conquer the world. Now I don't know what I want. But I do know that I'm tied down in the way that the old me so desperately feared. I couldn't just pick up and leave if I wanted to. I don't enjoy sleeping alone anymore. And when I'm with Tray, I'm happy. It's so familiar...so right. But when I'm alone, the old me comes out. The stronger me. The me who doesn't understand why I keep letting myself go through all this pain, why I ever shed my shell. Why I don't want to go conquer the world anymore. The old me wonders what the fuck happened to me. The old me doesn't like me anymore. I don't know if I like me any more. I'm too confused to know. I knew who I wanted to be and I made myself into that person and I'm not that person anymore. And I enjoy being the person I am now, but idk if I like her so much. I don't want to give up. I don't want to wake up one day old and tied down and wonder where the fuck my life went, and why I never did all those things I was supposed to. But I don't want to give up what I have....in fact, it's the last thing I want to give up. I don't want to go back to not needing him.....and that was a big part of the old me, that I didn't NEED anyone. But I can't be that person anymore. So I think what I need to do isn't change, but learn to like me again. Which is hard, because it took so long before. I felt so worthless, between the abuse and the rape and the loss. And I decided I didn't like being a person who was just consumed by that....I changed so I could like me. That's how I patched it up - I changed into someone I could like. I knew how it had happened - I had trusted someone I shouldn't have because he threw a few sweet words my way and I felt wanted in a way I never had before. And I knew how to fix the problem - don't trust those sweet words anymore, don't rely on anyone. Make them want me, but on my terms. I liked myself because I felt safe, because I felt like it could never happen again. And that made me strong because I was safe, and I was safe because of me - not because of anyone else. I had fixed it, I had made myself safe, all by myself - I was strong and independent and I LIKED it. I fought those feelings and I locked them away. I was the damsel in distress who stole a sword and killed my own dragon. And now I don't know how to chase those feelings away anymore. I'm back to being that person who was just the abuse and the rape and the loss.....theres a little bit of the old me there - I'm not depressed and introverted and .....sleepwalking through life the way I once did - but the old me does less to make me more than what I've overcome and does more to make me miss how above it I once was. I wanted to be interesting - more than anything, I wanted to be the person people wanted to talk to, the person people actually wanted to listen to. The person who had good stories, could carry on a good conversation because I wasn't the same person as everyone else. But now all I think about is the rape and the abuse and Caylee and Tray, and now all I am is the same depressed person normalized by the same boring relationship stories that everyone has. I've lost me again. I've lost me in all the sadness and the pain and I've sheltered myself with the same dependency I was once so above. And I feel lost and stuck and like I'm drowning and I'm being swallowed by darkness. And I'm not strong enough to pull myself out anymore. And I don't know what to do anymore.