This is for those nights

when it's hard to think. Those nights when everything makes me think of her. Or when the world is crashing in and I want to let it crush me because I'm worthless and I still feel like it's my fault and I deserve this. This is for those nights when my entire existence feels reduced to a single event, whichever one it may be. Even though the same night started everything, the two almost never overlap. They are so fundamentally different that they never could. One is the loss of the most important person in my life, as well as the most important this I could ever aspire to do with my life. It's mourning an insurmountable loss. The other is the robbery of my worth as a person. He didn't respect me, and everything he did reinforces the idea in my mind that I am as worthless as he thought I was when he thought my feelings, my ability to chose didn't matter. One immobilizes me with grief that makes life seem unlivable; one berates me until I don't feel worthy to live. They are not and never will be the same.