I don't know why I do this, but when I get bored I think about the rape.

I think it's just always hiding there. And every time I get bored or try not to think about something (Caylee) and think about something else (anything), my mind goes to the rape. Not like a flashback though - I'm lucky, I don't really get those - .....but I'm afraid it's becoming who I am. Because I feel like it's all I think about anymore. It's taking over. The guilt, the blame, the shame, the feeling like I'm doing something wrong because I dare to even acknowledge it. I feel dirty. I feel like I need to hide what I'm doing or I'll get in trouble. I feel like lately - as I've realized just how shut down I had become, and how I based everything I cared about on goals that existed simply because I needed something to get through, as I've realized how utterly without point my life had become - I feel like I've adopted the rape as my point. Not as my point, but as a goal - to fix myself, to overcome it. But when it's all I have it becomes overwhelming. And I don't know if this is because I have nothing else or if this is because it is too much and it would take over no matter what. But I feel like it's always there.