I wish I could play music while I type this.

I would feel a whole lot less lonely then. But I can't because my computer is in my dorm room instead of yours and I can't go get it because I don't have the keys to get back in. So I'm typing on my iPad, but I can't have YouTube and blogger open at once because YouTube is an app instead of a website, and apps and the Internet don't work at the same time. And there was a point where I could have just turned on your computer and used that, but I can't because I fucked up and now you can't trust me and it's my own damn fault. And the truth is, I really didn't mean it. God, I wish I had been snooping for something incriminating, some breach of trust. Then I would have felt sneaky and bad about it from the beginning, and I either wouldn't have done it or I would have felt like I deserved the aftermath. No, I had to be vain and curious and see if you were actually reading this blog and the reason was so stupid, I didn't even think about the fact that the snooping was wrong. It didn't feel wrong, it felt silly. And then when I found something I almost threw up just from the shock of it, and now that you don't trust me because of it it feels undeserved because in my head it was silly. I know it wasn't right and I know you have every right not to trust me; I actually don't blame you. And it upsets me not because I feel like you changing your password so I can't snoop anymore means you have something to hide, but because it means you don't trust me to say I won't snoop and mean it. And because I fucked up because I was careless, and now you can't trust me when you should be able to trust me and I feel guilty and hurt and dirty and untrustworthy and that wasn't a conscious choice, it was just my instinct. So I didn't even make a bad choice, I'm just a bad person. And it sucks, because I want to give you that privacy and I want you to trust me, but you don't. And you still go on my computer and you should have broken my trust as much as I broke yours by going through my stupid Facebook messages, but I decided it wasn't that big of a deal, because all I would need to do, if I wanted you to stop, was tell you that it wasn't ok. And I trusted that you would have stopped. But apparently you don't feel the same way about me, and that's not because of you that's because of me. I know I'm curious and nosy but I also thought that my word meant something, but apparently not in comparison to those things. And I get it; I really do. I dot think you should give me back your password, since it obviously makes you uncomfortable. I just wish it didn't, or at least that I could agree that I deserved the punishment. And this sounds bitter and passive aggressive, and it is, but it's not aimed at you, it's aimed at myself. You're doing the right thing, I'm the one who fucked up. I just wish for once, I could have done something right.