Re-reading my posts

I sound like a crazy person. Everything is so overdramatic and so over-exaggerated. That isn't to say I was making things up; that is exactly how I felt at the time. I'm just realizing how much my feelings do change when I'm having a bad week. Admittedly, the past couple of weeks had been really bad, some of the worst in a while. I'd known that my feelings were radically different during bad weeks, but some of these posts still surprise me. For example, when I allude to contemplating suicide. That is hardly the norm, and is actually normally even hard for me to comprehend - I can't wrap my head around feeling down enough, desperate enough to even consider it a viable option - yet I know that when I feel so depressed, it honestly does make sense to me. But I can't understand those feelings or where they are coming from when I'm not having a bad day.
When I say all my feelings seem overdramatic and over-exaggerated, it's because when I feel depressed, all those feelings become so much bigger and deeper and all-encompassing. I feel and think in a way that is vastly different from when I'm not in a bad mood. My spectrum of feelings becomes so much more limited as to what types of emotions I can feel, but it makes up for it with depth that I could drown in. All the hopelessness... Admittedly, I don't have a guiding purpose to my life like most people do - I thought it was journalism, my future career, but that seems so hollow, and I don't think that's really it. Is it a part of my life? Yes. My purpose? No. When I feel happy - when I'm not depressed - it just makes me feel like I'm missing something that I haven't discovered yet, or that I left behind. It makes me think I need to get back into music or bike riding or begin volunteering, find something that could give me purpose. When I am depressed, it feels less like something is missing, and more like a lack of purpose for even existing. The difference in outlook is staggering.
The same is true of my relationship with Tray. I love him, all the time. That is not exaggerated. What is exaggerated is how, when I'm depressed, I romanticize everything. In particular, I'm thinking of when I said "I sometimes feel like I don't know how either of us was a whole person without the other." Tray is as familiar and as normal to be around as my shadow; that doesn't feel like an exaggeration. Having him around is so completely normal, no matter when or what I'm doing. However, we were certainly both whole people without each other; we still are. When I'm happy, I love Tray and I am closer to him than anybody, but when I'm depressed, he often feels like the only consistently good thing in my life and the only thing left to hang on to. It makes it as easy to over-exaggerate those feelings as much as the hopeless and suicidal feelings.
I'd known from remembering or re-reading conversations that I think and feel entirely differently when I'm depressed, but when I'm talking to someone else I at least sound normal, as if I'm translating. This blog....I've written these posts at some my lowest points, without censoring or questioning my thoughts or feelings. I'm just now realizing how differently I see the world depending on my mood. It scares me.