i think it may be like this

it is easiest for me to sit and waste away my life. idk why. anything i have to put any effort into - even, for example, going to meet my friends monday because i had to go someplace else, or sitting with tray this morning because i had to get dressed - it brings my mood down. the amount varies, but every time i have to exert effort i feel more depressed/ more unhappy. and i think it goes back to the fact that i dont have any motivation, due to depression or the rape or both, any every time i need motivation that lack of just kind of slaps me in the face and reminds me why i dont have any. it reminds me of how worthless and pointless i feel, which, lets face it, would probably depress anyone