i think it may be like this

it is easiest for me to sit and waste away my life. idk why. anything i have to put any effort into - even, for example, going to meet my friends monday because i had to go someplace else, or sitting with tray this morning because i had to get dressed - it brings my mood down. the amount varies, but every time i have to exert effort i feel more depressed/ more unhappy. and i think it goes back to the fact that i dont have any motivation, due to depression or the rape or both, any every time i need motivation that lack of just kind of slaps me in the face and reminds me why i dont have any. it reminds me of how worthless and pointless i feel, which, lets face it, would probably depress anyone

im tired of not caring about things anymore

im not mad

and im not hurt, and i don't think you let me down. its a lot to ask, especially when i was as bad as i was last night. the problem is, i was trying not to bother you. you were asleep, and stressed, and i didn't want to add to that. so when i woke you up, it was because i literally didn't know what else to do. you were my last resort at feeling better. and i needed you to take care of me.

and thats hard. and i dont blame you for feeling upset. that isnt a bad thing. its human. the problem is when i go to you for support and you get upset both of us are just getting hurt. its making you feel bad, and its making me feel worse. so for both our sakes, its ok if you cant handle helping me in those situations, but i need to know that.

EVERYONE would be better off if i was dead

i had FINALLY started believing that maybe that wasnt true - that maybe, even if i couldnt see it, people were right and i meant SOMETHING to SOMEBODY. that when shaili said that i made tray happy, that she was right, and i just couldnt see it because of how i feel about myself. but she doesnt see this. she doesnt see all the crap i put him through - all the crap he wouldnt need to put up with if i wasnt here. i am nothing more than a burden.

i feel so alone

i just need support

please. can someone just do that for me?

i need to feel numb

i just needed to be told i was worth something

i just needed you to reassure me that the horrible things in my head are wrong. because i know theyre wrong, but it is so easy for them to convince me otherwise. but i dont feel like im worth anything. i feel like a burden. and i know this is hard on you too, but i need you to be there for me tonight. but all im doing is hurting you and that just makes me feel worse so ill stop. i wont bring these things up again. it doesnt help either of us

i keep alternating between blaming myself and telling myself that that isn't right

logically, i need help. i need support. i should be able to go to tray. he loves me, he says hes there for me, i should be able to go to him when i need him.

but im hurting him. i hurting him and its my fault because i am so fucked up and just being around me is hurting me and that makes it my fault

i dont want him to leave me

please, i know he deserves better, but he is the best friend i could ask for. i dont want to lose him. im doing this for him.

i am a hurtful, horrible, spiteful human being

i'm sorry. i shouldnt have done that to you. i'm so, so sorry.

i am a worthless piece of shit.

i deserve to die

i just want to quit

I. Need. Help.

just gotta make it through the night. that's it.

i want to be free from this

i'm tired of this controlling me and taking over my life.

I WANT THIS

but you asking if i want it defeats the point. im not going to tell you i want this because it would be super sweet and cute because thats not the point. shit, then ill buy it and write a love note to myself.

http://gifts.redenvelope.com/productdetail.aspx?cobrand=RED&pid=30057141&ssid=4&REF=REDFeedGiftscom&mr:referralID=67f99698-3810-11e2-8751-001b2166c2c0#

I know you said you don't read this anymore, but I hope you see this.

I want nothing more than for you to be happy. The only thing I want nearly as much is to be around to see it. Watching you sleep - because of course you fell asleep before I could say goodnight and shut down my computer - you look so peaceful. It's the best thing I've seen all day. It's especially true today, because whether you were actually upset about something or just having one of those days, I'm not sure, but you seemed so tired and so beaten. But really, every day, the best thing is seeing you happy. You just light up the whole room when you're happy - you're funny and and smiley and you have such a great laugh and genuine personality that it just spreads. And it just makes me realize how lucky I am that you're my best friend. Your smile can do more to improve my day than anything I can think of, and anytime I'm the reason for that happiness I just feel like the most special person on Earth. And I know sometimes that's hard to see, and that sometimes I make you sad, but you can make moods go away that no one else can, and you can make me feel safe and loved even when I'm at my worst, because your best is so much stronger than my worst. And I want to be there for your best and your worst, because I want to do everything in my power to turn it into your best. I want to protect you and please you and just keep you happy and carefree forever. And those times when you just can't be at your best, that's ok, because you are worth it. I keep leaning over and kissing you and touching you because I just can't stand not to. I'm kind of afraid I'll wake you up but not really. It's just that seeing you look so peaceful and carefree makes me so, so happy. And I can't even put into words how much I want to be able to see this 2, 12, 20, 50 years from now. I want you to be happy for the rest of your life and I want to be there to see it, because I can't think of a more worthwhile or rewarding thing to do with my life. And maybe all this is really corny but I mean it. You've been the best thing in my life and you've gotten me to a better place in my life. And it doesn't matter how good my life gets, I'll always want you in it, because seeing you happy is the best thing I'll ever know. And I just pray that it'll always be me that you want to share that with.

sad today.

whyyyyyyyyyyy. i'd been having a good week :(

i. fuck. everything. up.

i could kill myself tonight and not give a damn

lies.

i KNOW i cant survive much more of this. i need help. happy pills, anyone?

its getting to the point where i dont know how much longer i can do this

i just cant keep going on this way.

if it isnt one thing, its another. it just feels like everything is closing in - theres less and less room to smile, to breathe. im running out of air, of sanity.

its getting to the point where i cant remember the last day i havent had a suicidal thought.

i know it's happened, and i know honestly it wasnt that long ago..........but it seems like its been forever.

A letter to my parents

*A note: I am writing this letter from a future perspective. Not all of what is in here is true (yet); however, it is how I someday hope things will turn out.*

I want to start off by setting down a few rules, in order for me to feel comfortable telling you what I happened. First, I want to ask you not to overreact. Given the nature of what I'm about to tell you, it is natural for you to have strong feelings. I'm not asking that you try to surpress those. However, I will ask that you don't overwhelm me. It will make things very difficult for me. I also ask that you let me finish my story without interruption; otherwise it will be hard for me to continue. I want to stress that you should not blame yourselves; this did not happen because of something you did or because of something you neglected to do. It is simply something that happened. Lastly, I want to point out that I may not tell you everything. You can ask questions, but I may refuse to answer, or you may notice that it seems I have left something out in what I tell you. That is because I have a right to my privacy in this. It is not because I don't trust you or don't feel comfortable telling you; some things are details I do not like to dwell upon or speak of, some things just require a certain level of privacy and I am uncomfortable elaborating further. I ask that you respect that.
While I was in high school I was in an emotionally, mentally, and sexually abusive relationship. It was with Steve. He made me believe I was worthless, stupid, and didn't deserve him or anyone else. He isolated me from my friends and you guys by making me feel as though people didn't understand, and making you all seem like the bad guys for it. He raped me on a couple of occasions. It was never violent, but it was still rape. None of this was done with malicious intent; I know that his father was abusive towards his mother and I am sure that he internalized that. He probably didn't even know what a healthy relationship was.
I didn't realize any of this until after he had broken up with me. We had a demonstration at our school detailing types of abuse, including emotional and mental. That was when I recognized that for what it was; I did not recognize the rape and sexual abuse until even later, when I learned more about what is and isn't consent. I didn't tell you because I didn't trust you or feel comfortable, but because emotional abuse is meant to isolate the victim, and make them feel ashamed. It makes you feel as though what happens is your vault, and as though you shouldn't seek help or don't deserve help because everything that is happening is actually your fault. Because I already hated to disappoint you guys, it wasn't hard to convince me not to tell you, even though rationally you wouldn't be ashamed. In addition to the effects of the abuse, the knowledge that I didn't realize what was going on until so much later made me feel even more stupid and as though it truly would be seen as my fault.
Due to the abuse, I fell into a depression. Although I don't know for sure when it actually started, I know that I was depressed as far back as senior year of high school, perhaps further. It became worse through freshman and into sophomore year of college. Sophomore year I started therapy, anti-depressants, and an exercise program designed to help me recover from the depression. I continued therapy through junior year, I am no longer on anti-depressants, and my depression is now successfully in remission.
Sometime around my senior year of high school my friend Shaili began going out with a boy who was also emotionally, mentally, and sexually abusive. As I learned what was going on with her, it made me realize just how lucky I was to get out, given that he broke up with me. I tried to help her see that what was happening was actually abuse, with the idea that knowledge would make her leave. Our sophomore year of college she realized that a lot of what went on was indeed abuse; however, she told me she still wanted to fix things and be with him. That was when I realized that knowledge isn't enough - victims need actual help leaving. I also truly realized how lucky I was; I cannot say for sure that, had we not already been broken up, knowledge would have been enough to cause me to leave either.
That was when I made the decision to be that person to help domestic abuse victims leave. The fact that I could use something that hurt me so much to help others made me feel good. People who to this day don't know I am a survivor told me that it seemed like I would like it, and even more, that I would be good at it. It made me feel very happy with my decision. The support I received from others about my career choice, and the affirmation that helping survivors was good and worthwhile, made me feel less guilty and ashamed about being a survivor myself.  While I cannot say that what happened to me was a "gift," it undoubtedly shaped me and made me who I am today. And ultimately, I like the person I am today, even if not always. This experience is a part of who I am. And the knowledge that it is such a part of me made me feel as though I should tell people, as though I wanted to tell people, because you deserve to know who I am, and because I have nothing to be ashamed of.

gotta love days like this

you know, where you wake up feeling like you've already messed up and you feel stupid and worthless and that just kind of follows you around all day, even if nothing else goes wrong? awesome. thanks feelings. way to kidnap one of my potentially good days. you suck.

ive been scared of sex lately

i dont know why. absolutely no idea. but since last wednesday night ive been scared to have sex. i dont remember anything happening the time before that. and it isnt all the time. ill want to have sex til we actually go to start and then i just.........freeze. idk. like, sunday morning i got into it just fine. like, once we'd actually started i didnt have a problem. so why now?

i fuck everything up

the one night you actually want to have sex and i cant just do that for you. i am such a bitch