It's been awhile

Just popping in. Got to say, hearing about people killing themselves.....kind of makes me want to kill myself. Gotta love it.

It has been a long time since I've posted

But I don't really know what else to do. Lately I've felt so lonely and abandoned. Maybe it's because I've been off my meds, but I just feel so worthless and unwanted. Especially with tray. I've just felt like he hasn't wanted me around, like I'm not a priority. He doesn't seem to want me around, especially given his fear of me moving anything into his apartment :/ my day to day feelings seem to matter little to him lately, especially wedding stuff :/ I just.....I feel like less of a person and more of a shadow of a person, tied to the person he wishes I was. I feel like I only matter when I'm convenient

Down, worthless, stupid

The usual. Seriously. What is the point?

Notes to a friend part 2

I'm not even good at making you happy. I upset you so much. I can see it, the frustration, the annoyance, the look on your face that says shut up, you've done enough. And I can't stand hurting you, because you do so much for me. And so I try to do everything I can to make you happy. I tell you how much I love you and how much you mean to me, I try to make you laugh, I try to let you have fun and do what you want. But it's never enough. I can't take that face away. I can't make things better with a word or a touch like you can for me. I can't figure out what I can surprise you with to make your face light up. I don't know how to make your day better. And I feel like such a failure every time I can't. 

The worst part of it is that I can't be there for you. You can't tell me your feelings and confide in me. It makes me feel like I'm actively hurting you, making you keep all that bottled up. I can't stand that I can't be there for you. That I'm not enough. And you know it, too. So why don't you leave?

Notes to a friend

I have zero self worth. Actually, I think I have negative self worth. There is not one person I can name who is better because I am in their life. Literally, no one. Because you would be so much better off if I wasn't in yours. You wouldn't have to deal with my psychotic hunches or nonsensical feelings. It makes absolutely zero sense to me that you want me around. I cannot imagine why. The only thing I can think of is sex, the only thing I'm at all good at.  And I think that's why I've been feeling more unbalanced lately - you are the only person I trust not to hurt me or leave me. My parents .....I don't know what went so wrong, because I had a good childhood as far as they go. But I have never understood how people can go to their parents about.....anything. Advice, comfort, closeness....The idea is foreign to me. It was actually in the past few years that I realized that many people actually feel supported by their parents. It was the most shocking realization. I never knew that the amount of distance I feel between me and my parents wasn't normal. I know why, though. I'm afraid to let them down, or for them to let me down. That's why I stopped inviting them to things I was in, because I didn't want to be a burden or something they had to put up with. And I never trust them to respect my feelings. Hell, my dad made fun of a crush I had in fourth grade and that situation still makes me cringe. I'm not sure why, but I'm pretty sure that really messed me up. For as long as I can remember, I have had the responsibility of protecting them from unhappiness. My mistakes, my feelings, my shortcomings, all of it. They think I'm weird. I've heard them talking before, and just the way they react to things I do....they think I'm weird. I never feel more alone than I do at home with my family.  My friends, with the exception of Kerry, always leave at some point. They come to me for advice, and they stay when they need it. And when they don't, they leave. You wonder why I don't get fed up with these crazy people? Because people who have shit figured out have figured out they don't need me in their lives. You are the exception to that, which is why the only thing it could possibly be is sex. And you haven't wanted to have sex. And all I can think is, it took you a year and a half to stop wanting sex. How long till you stop wanting me around at all? It feels like it has to be soon. Maybe it's because Steve dumped me after I told him I wouldn't have sex anymore? Idk. I really don't. But literally everything I think is worthwhile about me is sex. That's why it's the only thing that really makes me feel good. That's probably why I want it so much. I'm pretty sure I self medicate with sex. It's the only thing I've gotten praised for that hasn't felt like a responsibility. All the things I enjoy, I'm not good at, and the things I am good at, I'm not good enough at. I'm still a disappointment. Except for sex. It's the only thing I'm good for. 

Reading these words from anyone else would just kill me inside. It really would. How can I possibly hate myself this much? What is wrong with me?

Today is one of those days where if I fell asleep and never woke up I wouldn't mind

I feel very abandoned

Ryan not answering my emails, tray being gone for a week, eve canceling and not hearing from her......I feel so, so alone and abandoned. Like everyone else thinks I'm as worthless as I think I am.

Why is it worse again?

Spring break was bad, and the three days I've been back have been even worse. Why?

It's just all so heavy. So heavy, so hard. It just hurts, all the time. I feel ashamed and hurt and assaulted and I can't do it.

It's times like this I really need someone to remind me why life is supposedly worth living

Sad, down, guilty, useless

The usual. Want to spend money to feel better but already feel guilty for what I've spent. Life sucks.

I don't take criticism well

Never have, but I figured out why. It reminds me I'm not perfect. It just proves that I'm a broken failure screw up, just like I always thought

Today was a lot

Realizing I actually accidentally skipped work was a very, very bad feeling. I felt horrible - for letting people down, that they were upset with me, that they would think badly of me. It is one of my biggest fears - nothing makes me feel worse. I think I have real issues with shame and guilt - the amount of each I feel is staggering, and I can't get myself out of it, even if I know I'm being irrational.

On the good note, the guy giving Shaili a cig "only because your friend is cute" and asking for my number / fb was nice, and delicious, gorgeous Harry was so fun to meet. I want to see more of him ;) literally

my last unmedicated moments

starting anti-depressants. it's probably a good step, given how i am now diagnosed as, i believe she said seriously, depressed. but the thing is....as far as i can tell, i was depressed even in highschool, meaning, much of my remembered life, much of the time when i considered me to be "me," i was depressed. i dont know how to not be depressed. what if this changes who i am?

which, of course, these thoughts turned my last unmedicated night into a breakdown the likes of which i havent had in a while. the fact that i had left my toothbrush on the bed made me cry. it was bad. probably also proved why i should be medicated.

i feel like im eating my last meal. i had a horrible night where i only wanted to be held and instead slept on the opposite end of the bed from tray, and he was sleeping funny so then his back hurt when he woke up, which is my fault :( so night sucked, waking up was pretty bad. speech went fine, but hey - i cried 3 times in the past 3 days (toothbrush, therapy, girl who cried during my DI). it just has not been good.

at least my last meal is tasty

that upsetting moment when your oft abused friend thinks it doesnt affect her life

you should know that sometimes you take the not caring about my feelings thing too fucking far

really gotta stop using sex/kink as a coping mechanism

i've been doing this more and more lately. i don't want to mix the two til to the point where i can't tell the difference anymore....

theres something safe in feeling used

sometimes i wonder how much of me likes sex just because then i feel like he has a reason to keep me around

it would be really nice if you didn't just stop listening to me as i'm talking to you about something important to me

but whatever. your computer is important too.

more and more im realizing i dislike large crowds of people

fall out boy is depression music

bring it on

today is one of those "walk in front of cars and jump off bridges" kind of days, isn't it?

i feel so, so alone

at one point over the summer tray wrote on his blog "my girlfriend hasn't asked how i've been in three days. fml" i feel like the situation has flip flopped

failure

that's my name, don't wear it out

stupid

why am i being such a brat today. ugh. roller coaster, hello. i went from feeling dirty in a good way to feeling dirty in a very bad way in t-minus .1 seconds. im went back and forth so much from enjoying to being ashamed of sex that im making my own head spin. why.

I GET A COLLAR

I GET A COLLAR I GET A COLLAR I GET A COLLAR I GET A COLLAR I GET A COLLAR I GET A COLLAR I GET A COLLAR I GET A COLLAR I GET A COLLAR I GET A COLLAR I GET A COLLAR I GET A COLLAR I GET A COLLAR I GET A COLLAR I GET A COLLAR I GET A COLLAR I GET A COLLAR I GET A COLLAR I GET A COLLAR I GET A COLLAR I GET A COLLAR :D :D :D :D :D :D :D  I am sooooooooooo excited about this :D I am REALLY enjoying getting more and more into kink, and I am SO glad that Tray enjoys it :D And him wanting to get me a collar makes me feel like he's into it as much as I am. And it does kind of have an ownership feel to it - it almost, to me, solidifies our open relationship. It doesn't matter who or how many people we play with, because this is just ours :D

i wish tray would read my blog again

yes, i know there was some stuff i didnt want him to see. thats why it was on different blogs. i liked knowing he was reading the blogs - it made me feel loved. it felt like he really wanted to know and understand how i was thinking and feeling. it made me feel cared for and looked after. now....idk. his little all or nothing mentality reminds me of when he lies to me - hes so afraid of messing up that he's ignoring what i want in the process. here - i want him to read the blog, and just give me privacy on the side blogs, but he's determined i deserve privacy where i dont even want it. lying - i want honesty, but he'd rather not hurt my feelings than tell me the truth.

and even writing them, it seemed easier when i knew someone was reading it. i didnt want to leave him wondering why there was no blog post if i was acting strangely, and i made sure i explained things, so that he would understand how i actually felt. it made me open up, really figure out how exactly i was feeling and how i could put it into words. it helped to know that i needed to explain myself. now that its just me......its a record? to an extent. a release, yes.....but its not the same. it isnt the emotional exercise it once was. and it doesnt get things off my mind in the same way. it used to, in that i didnt need to remember to tell him, or in that i wasnt the only one trying to make sense of my feelings. i knew i wouldnt catch him off guard - if he read the blog, he'd know what to expect. now i feel like he doesnt understand as much of whats going on in my head.

knowing he used to check the blog every morning, like he once said......it made me feel safe and protected, like he was always looking out for me, always wanted to know what was on my mind, even if he didnt ask. and nights are so bad for me....now that he doesnt read the blog, i feel like im the only one who knows how bad nights are for me. it just makes me feel all the more alone.......which is the last thing i need at night. i already feel shitty enough

i don't even know why i do speech anymore

all it is is a chore. i don't enjoy it anymore. its just another thing that need to do, dont get done, and am behind on - just more that proves that i cant do anything right. it just stresses me out and makes me unhappy. it isnt worth it anymore. i love the idea of speech, but even competing doesnt hold the same draw for me it used to. i need to be done.