I should really stop staying up so late.

All that happens is i feel lonely and there is no one to talk to. It isn't a good feeling.

Lonely.

I miss Tray. I miss talking to him. I miss this time of night, when I've been procrastinating and I can look over and see him sleeping and I don't feel alone then. He is a constant reminder that there is someone who actually cares about me. He knows everything and he still cares about me. He chooses to stay; he doesn't need to. Knowing there's someone who cares that much is just one of the most comforting feelings in the world.

I feel like myself.

My old self. I haven't felt this way in a while. I missed it.
But it worries me because I also feel single.

I wouldn't take it back.

It doesnt make sense, but I wouldn't take it back, I wouldn't redo anything. It made me me. I don't always like me - I don't like me a lot - but that doesn't mean that I won't someday. And there are some parts of me I do like, and there are parts of me I think I could like someday. And as much as I hate it, I wouldn't change it.

This is a petty complaint

but it really sucks not being able to talk to Tray in person. Even though we could Skype, we end up mostly talking on Facebook. I know he really cares about me, and I know he's being honest, but its hard to remember that when can't hear him say it. It just feels like empty words this way.

I feel so lonely.

I love my family, and it's great to see them again, but it is SO DIFFERENT from living with Tray. Here I feel immature, lazy, and like I'm not good for anything. I'm always getting nagged and yelled at. I feel so much less wanted. When Tray is upset, its usually not my fault, and I can at least get a smile. When it is my fault, its something I actually did. Here, when I try to help I upset people. I don't understand what I'm doing that's wrong. All I know is me being home doesn't help anyone. I feel excluded, different, and alone. I miss my best friend.

Can I just give up?

I don't want to do this anymore.

Who am I fucking kidding.

I can't do this. Even helping my mom research for her paper seems too hard. It's just too heavy.

I did it before. I can do it again.

I loved Steve. It was an unhealthy love, an insecure love, an immature love, but it was still love. He was my first serious boyfriend. That meant that he taught me a lot about love. He taught me that love meant that he was supposed to be the only person in my life - he cut me off from friends, from my support center. He taught me that he was right and I was wrong. He taught me that I was supposed to do what he said. He taught me that I deserved to be punished when I didn't listen to him (he never actually hit me, and he never explicitly threatened me, but he never seemed in control and his body language and reactions were enough). He taught me that I should be afraid to make him mad. He taught me that I was stupid, that I didn't deserve to go to college or accomplish anything. He taught me that this is what love was. Because I was so entrenched in the relationship, when it ended I had no idea how to live in the real world. Everything I'd known had crumbled around me, and I didn't know what to do. Then when I'd realized that the relationship was abusive, the world really crumbled, since it wasn't just losing the person I'd grown accustomed to, but my whole understanding of love, of trust, of care, of what I deserved, was suddenly very different. And so the easiest thing to do - the thing that made the most sense - I blamed love. I said no more - I didn't need a guy, I was going to do everything on my own. Nobody else.

I don't want to be this person anymore.

This is not because I'm having a bad night. That is not a plea. That is a statement, because I have been having too many bad nights. Because I don't like myself anymore. Because I once did like myself. And if I could make myself into someone I liked once, I can do it again. And I'm going to.

I just want to like myself again.

I liked my shell.

It protected me. It was strong and hard and it didn't let anything bad in. I was strong and hard too - I was independent to a fault, jaded more and more by the day, caustic when I wanted to be, sarcastic more than I should have been. I didn't hate men, but I sure didn't need one - or want one. I liked it that way; I liked me that way. Now I'm....not that. I don't always know who I am any more. I feel things now - I love Tray. I cry, I'm haunted by these things I used to shut out. I don't need a man to take care of me, but I like it when  he does. I didn't think I ever could. I used to be a spitfire - I was going to go out and conquer the world. Now I don't know what I want. But I do know that I'm tied down in the way that the old me so desperately feared. I couldn't just pick up and leave if I wanted to. I don't enjoy sleeping alone anymore. And when I'm with Tray, I'm happy. It's so familiar...so right. But when I'm alone, the old me comes out. The stronger me. The me who doesn't understand why I keep letting myself go through all this pain, why I ever shed my shell. Why I don't want to go conquer the world anymore. The old me wonders what the fuck happened to me. The old me doesn't like me anymore. I don't know if I like me any more. I'm too confused to know. I knew who I wanted to be and I made myself into that person and I'm not that person anymore. And I enjoy being the person I am now, but idk if I like her so much. I don't want to give up. I don't want to wake up one day old and tied down and wonder where the fuck my life went, and why I never did all those things I was supposed to. But I don't want to give up what I have....in fact, it's the last thing I want to give up. I don't want to go back to not needing him.....and that was a big part of the old me, that I didn't NEED anyone. But I can't be that person anymore. So I think what I need to do isn't change, but learn to like me again. Which is hard, because it took so long before. I felt so worthless, between the abuse and the rape and the loss. And I decided I didn't like being a person who was just consumed by that....I changed so I could like me. That's how I patched it up - I changed into someone I could like. I knew how it had happened - I had trusted someone I shouldn't have because he threw a few sweet words my way and I felt wanted in a way I never had before. And I knew how to fix the problem - don't trust those sweet words anymore, don't rely on anyone. Make them want me, but on my terms. I liked myself because I felt safe, because I felt like it could never happen again. And that made me strong because I was safe, and I was safe because of me - not because of anyone else. I had fixed it, I had made myself safe, all by myself - I was strong and independent and I LIKED it. I fought those feelings and I locked them away. I was the damsel in distress who stole a sword and killed my own dragon. And now I don't know how to chase those feelings away anymore. I'm back to being that person who was just the abuse and the rape and the loss.....theres a little bit of the old me there - I'm not depressed and introverted and .....sleepwalking through life the way I once did - but the old me does less to make me more than what I've overcome and does more to make me miss how above it I once was. I wanted to be interesting - more than anything, I wanted to be the person people wanted to talk to, the person people actually wanted to listen to. The person who had good stories, could carry on a good conversation because I wasn't the same person as everyone else. But now all I think about is the rape and the abuse and Caylee and Tray, and now all I am is the same depressed person normalized by the same boring relationship stories that everyone has. I've lost me again. I've lost me in all the sadness and the pain and I've sheltered myself with the same dependency I was once so above. And I feel lost and stuck and like I'm drowning and I'm being swallowed by darkness. And I'm not strong enough to pull myself out anymore. And I don't know what to do anymore.