fall out boy is depression music

bring it on

today is one of those "walk in front of cars and jump off bridges" kind of days, isn't it?

i feel so, so alone

at one point over the summer tray wrote on his blog "my girlfriend hasn't asked how i've been in three days. fml" i feel like the situation has flip flopped

failure

that's my name, don't wear it out

stupid

why am i being such a brat today. ugh. roller coaster, hello. i went from feeling dirty in a good way to feeling dirty in a very bad way in t-minus .1 seconds. im went back and forth so much from enjoying to being ashamed of sex that im making my own head spin. why.

I GET A COLLAR

I GET A COLLAR I GET A COLLAR I GET A COLLAR I GET A COLLAR I GET A COLLAR I GET A COLLAR I GET A COLLAR I GET A COLLAR I GET A COLLAR I GET A COLLAR I GET A COLLAR I GET A COLLAR I GET A COLLAR I GET A COLLAR I GET A COLLAR I GET A COLLAR I GET A COLLAR I GET A COLLAR I GET A COLLAR I GET A COLLAR I GET A COLLAR :D :D :D :D :D :D :D  I am sooooooooooo excited about this :D I am REALLY enjoying getting more and more into kink, and I am SO glad that Tray enjoys it :D And him wanting to get me a collar makes me feel like he's into it as much as I am. And it does kind of have an ownership feel to it - it almost, to me, solidifies our open relationship. It doesn't matter who or how many people we play with, because this is just ours :D

i wish tray would read my blog again

yes, i know there was some stuff i didnt want him to see. thats why it was on different blogs. i liked knowing he was reading the blogs - it made me feel loved. it felt like he really wanted to know and understand how i was thinking and feeling. it made me feel cared for and looked after. now....idk. his little all or nothing mentality reminds me of when he lies to me - hes so afraid of messing up that he's ignoring what i want in the process. here - i want him to read the blog, and just give me privacy on the side blogs, but he's determined i deserve privacy where i dont even want it. lying - i want honesty, but he'd rather not hurt my feelings than tell me the truth.

and even writing them, it seemed easier when i knew someone was reading it. i didnt want to leave him wondering why there was no blog post if i was acting strangely, and i made sure i explained things, so that he would understand how i actually felt. it made me open up, really figure out how exactly i was feeling and how i could put it into words. it helped to know that i needed to explain myself. now that its just me......its a record? to an extent. a release, yes.....but its not the same. it isnt the emotional exercise it once was. and it doesnt get things off my mind in the same way. it used to, in that i didnt need to remember to tell him, or in that i wasnt the only one trying to make sense of my feelings. i knew i wouldnt catch him off guard - if he read the blog, he'd know what to expect. now i feel like he doesnt understand as much of whats going on in my head.

knowing he used to check the blog every morning, like he once said......it made me feel safe and protected, like he was always looking out for me, always wanted to know what was on my mind, even if he didnt ask. and nights are so bad for me....now that he doesnt read the blog, i feel like im the only one who knows how bad nights are for me. it just makes me feel all the more alone.......which is the last thing i need at night. i already feel shitty enough

i don't even know why i do speech anymore

all it is is a chore. i don't enjoy it anymore. its just another thing that need to do, dont get done, and am behind on - just more that proves that i cant do anything right. it just stresses me out and makes me unhappy. it isnt worth it anymore. i love the idea of speech, but even competing doesnt hold the same draw for me it used to. i need to be done.