kind of want you to walk in right now

the company would be nice.

so when does this end?

http://survivorsupport.tumblr.com/post/32299070175/littlesaplinggal-losttrustandbrokensmiles

doctor who makes even the worst days better :)

worthless today, as usual.

i hate this.

i feel depressed and like crap so i cant focus. i cant focus so i cant get anything done. i cant get anything done so i put stuff off til tomorrow. when i put stuff off til tomorrow i feel like i didnt accomplish anything. when i feel like i didnt accomplish anything i feel like a failure. when i feel like a failure i feel all depressed and like crap.

i really hope i dont start feeling like this all the time again.

i can't do it.

i've spent 90% of today feeling as if being anywhere near a cliff would be enough incentive to jump off it

and i'm pretty sure that feeling where you feel like you're about to cry is my natural state of being.

iiiiiiiiii feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel sickkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

sick sick sick sick sick. yuck. go awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

sometimes this is how i feel

http://recoveryisbeautiful.tumblr.com/post/31984152136

i cant accomplish anything to save my life

speech, figuring out what i actually want to do.........idk. i feel like my entire life will just come down to whatever falls into my lap because i cant seem to do anything on my own

i hate those moments when you have your whole life ahead of you and you already feel like you've wasted it

wow. ok. right.

http://remember-us-remember-perfection.tumblr.com/post/31937092464/something-you-should-know-about-your-abuser

i want it to go away

sometimes i feel uncomfortable in my own skin

clothes feel super restricting. touching anything - the couch, the computer on my leg, whatever. even my SKIN feels like its too small.

kind of lonely.

and a little sad. some rough conversations tonight. :( i wish i could just curl up and it would all go away

kind of corny, but total guilty pleasure

http://recoveryisbeautiful.tumblr.com/post/31923967645
i love these two <3

http://whoneedsfeminism.tumblr.com/post/31475281662/tw-sexual-assault-i-need-feminism-because-i

wow.

“Lately I’ve been thinking about who I want to love, and how I want to love, and why I want to love the way I want to love, and what I need to learn to love that way, and who I need to become to become the kind of love I want to be…….and when I break it all down, when I whittle it into a single breath, it essentially comes out like this: Before I die, I want to be somebody’s favorite hiding place, the place they can put everything they know they need to survive, every secret, every solitude, every nervous prayer, and be absolutely certain I will keep it safe. I will keep it safe.”

—	Andrea Gibson

i dont know when ill be able to talk to you again

no seriously. i am very upset about a mistake i have made and you compare it to your experiences and say its no big deal? if its no big deal to you, well thats your feelings. dont say i cant be upset by something just because you arent.

and never, NEVER NEVER say those words to me. "if they really didn't want to, they wouldn't give in"

DONT YOU DARE.
because what does that mean you think? that everyone who was raped must have wanted it?
i can't.....i just can't

ive overlooked a lot, because as i am well aware (now more than ever) that cycle is hard to escape. when that's all you know, its hard to see that isn't everyone's normal, and more than that, that your normal isnt healthy.

but that.....that's going to take some time.

im shaking

welp.

add that to the list of things i need to fix. you know, not raping my boyfriend.

yup, sounds about right.

http://survivor-problems.tumblr.com/post/31615624548/after-being-in-an-abusive-relationship

rawr.

i dont know how i feel tonight. ive been thinking about a lot - i cant even remember all what. i feel pretty weird though

don't worry, she'll be gone soon

i'll be back at school, and then all you guys can go back to your perfect lives without me.
i don't care what happens, i'm not living at home next summer. period.

even my shirt is bothering me...

this is the first time i can think of that this has happened with an inanimate object while i was awake. i mean, i got hot, which made me super uncomfortable, which happens often. however, while i usually feel extremely uncomfortable when im touching something warm like that, this is the first time its had such a thisisbadthingsneedtostoptouchingme effect. sometimes that happens when i suddenly wake up and im not always very sure whats going on. this time.......i knew it was a blanket. i still cant put my shirt on.

i just spazzed out because there was a blanket on my back

....................It was behind me sitting on the couch. Suddenly I just felt suffocated (it was nowhere near my face) and like i couldnt stand to be touched and now i cant even sit up against the couch. why.

you know, my best friend pisses me off a lot

especially over the internet. i understand her in person and i love her in person. online she seems whiny and self obsessed. but let me tell you, shaili, you are coming through for me when i really need you. thank you.

fuck friends who cant use google maps.

seriously, you press like 2 buttons. learn to do something for yourself for once.

this isnt hard.

i dont know how to stop thinking

like, ever.

so often i feel like i'm just being a baby

not doing ok right now.

not at all.

can i just curl up in a ball and stop participating in life?

so few things i enjoy anymore

seeing tray. seeing friends - they break up the norm, make me forget. sitting by the lake. bike riding. playing music would, if i had a way to play. there isnt much else i can think of. cant i just stay in bed all day?

ugh.

i try to read anything interesting about ending rape culture and BAM. there always has to be some line in there that's like. oh hey. remember me? how could you forget? thanks. just thanks.

i feel nauseous

not from being sick though. the kind of sick when you see or hear or feel something so shocking or  inconceivably horrible that you physically feel nauseous. i have no idea why, but very suddenly, yea, thats how i feel.

another off topic post

my best friend LOVES to complain. just LOVES it. her life is SO DAMN HORRIBLE. fine, you know, you got problems, and i got no problem letting you talk it out. but when your problems have easy solutions and you simply refuse to fix them? sorry, i have no sympathy. not when theyre all you talk about and they're SUCH A BIG DEAL. if theyre such a problem, FIX THEM. you want to complain about them, or that you have a bad day on occasion? fine. you want to try to fix them and talk about how its rough? ill listen. but if you want to reject every solution and just wallow in how your life sucks and then make them worse by what you actually do try? sorry, im tired of hearing it.

a little bit different problem

i am by nature a journalist. im good at writing, good at filming, am naturally curious and ask a lot of questions. however, as ive looked into more survivor stories, many find happiness by becoming advocates and helping others. would that make me happier?

my chest hurts

mornings used to be good, nights were always bad

why have i been waking up feeling sad lately? i mean, mornings werent always perfect, but it was always just lethargic, no motivation.......not actual sadness. lately, its been sadness. i dont know what's changed.

its helped to put my feelings in words on this blog

but honestly, nothing helped like actually talking about it today. because i was talking to my best friend, someone i can trust, who i know only wants the best for me. so thank you. it really did help.

but i dont want you to feel bad

so if you read this tonight, and i hope you dont, PLEASE just stick it in the back of your head. or ignore it completely! do whatever you have to. youre having fun. i dont want to ruin your night.

what if im always stuck the way i am now?

i have friends with mothers who are depressed. i wont do that to a kid. i wont. i cant.

i need to find a coping mechanism

like right now

i feel stuck.

stuck, and worthless, and alone.

worthless.

as usual.

bored. boredbored. boredboredbored.

actually, not bored. fidgety. i feel like i need to be DOING something. dont know what though.

why is it hard to swallow?

i feel like im choking

drowning. drowning drowning drowning.

i hate that sometimes there is only one thing worth living for in my life. but at least its you.

apparently it's one of those days

usually i wake up fine. usually it doesn't carry over into the next day. today, i feel almost as bad as i did at my worst last night. its the last thing i need.

doctor who and peanut butter pie cant cure everything apparently

everything i wanted in life

and its a subaru commercial

and im not doing so well tonight

im going to be sick and i cant remember to take my stupid birth control to save my life and i have stuff to do tonight articles to write and i have too much to eat for lunch tomorrow and so the subway's going to get soggy and im not even going to enjoy my last day because i still have too many articles to write tonight and i just need it all to stop

i need help.

seriously, anyone?

i wish i could step out of my life the way i step out of a character in a script

i want to hit something. really hard.

theres a heaviness in my chest that is making it impossible to eat even though my stomach feels emptier than it has any right to be

why is tonight so sad?

tonight i'll dream i won't wake up, because sometimes it's easier to pretend that's true.

but if it were that easy i'd have been dead a long time ago.

sad tonight.

i miss her.

when i think of whats important in my life its him

everything pales in comparison to him
and i've known this
its always scared me, even now
but this fear just makes everything else look so stupid

i am legitimately a horrible person

this is not self pity. this is not any of my issues. this is the truth. i have relied on you for a year. i have told you i loved you, said i'd spend my life with you, called you my best friend - and have been not even half the person to you that you are to me. i have been an incredibly, unbelievably selfish and unseeing person. the thought of losing you right now is one of the scariest things i've ever had to experience. i owe you so much to begin with, and even more because of how i've wronged you. please, PLEASE, give me a chance to make it right.

oh tray

why is it that i begin to figure it all out, but too late?

tray i love you.

if i mess this up it will be the biggest mistake of my life.

please give me a second chance. i can be the person you need i swear.

youre all i want.

i honestly hadnt thought about it

about how my feelings affect you. just because im having a bad day, you shouldnt have to bend your feelings to accommodate mine. and i know i make you do that a lot more than i should. i mean, i've worried about how you feel about my feelings, but not how i disregard your feelings and expect you to just tend to me. i really am sorry. and im not going to do that anymore.

im going to get this back under control

i promise

god i suck

why do i bother?

no, the question is, why do you bother?

tell me please, since you dont find it funny

what part of my life is worth living anyway? im haunted by things i cant get over. you are the one good thing in my life and youre too good for me anyway, so what happens when you leave? i cant feel happy on my own. and im not worth anything to anyone anyway

i swear to god, can i just skip september?

because seriously, it sucks. a lot.

wish i had a cigarette

or a gun. you know, whatever works.

you know it really sucks when you can look at one moment in your life and say "itll never be as good as if it had worked out"

theres no reason for it now

maybe there never was. mistakes mistakes mistakes.

its too much

im feeling too much. theres too much right now. i want it to end.

i just want you to take it back

its too much. too long. it cant be real.

why are you doing this right now?

this is when i need you most.

everything falls apart.

it always falls apart. right now, too.

why even pretend that it matters?

why do i bother with anything?

it would be so much easier if i didnt

there was something to being heartless and not worrying about any of it

no its ok

really, it is. my feelings dont matter at all.

i dont know why i bother

:( i just get on everyones nerves anyway

this is cute

http://www.google.com/imgres?num=10&hl=en&biw=1383&bih=787&tbm=isch&tbnid=mzOw5k35Eyh0BM:&imgrefurl=http://thebestshowever.tumblr.com/&docid=A4QNeN5jdpanCM&imgurl=http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lt0mme7GdT1r3gedxo1_1280.jpg&w=1015&h=768&ei=FR5JUM6AC-qe2AWah4DYAQ&zoom=1&iact=rc&dur=312&sig=109553337161226092636&page=1&tbnh=129&tbnw=201&start=0&ndsp=29&ved=1t:429,r:1,s:0,i:81&tx=116&ty=51

but forever is still a long time. its a really big word.

from last night, when the internet was down

the internet and cable are both down, everyone is in bed, and i am freaking out. i cant stand not having people to talk to, or without hearing people on the tv
it feels too lonely
it just kills me