I really need to find some way to cope.

These nights are going to kill me. I don't know how to deal with them.

Depression sucks

Can I just crawl into bed and never ever one out? Because that would be great. K thanks.

It's literally another world.

That this could be a gift? I can't even comprehend the meaning of that sentence. The first stanza, the first two lines, contain my whole world. My ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD. The second stanza doesn't exist. Is incomprehensible. Another language. Dimension. Is nothing to me, because it can't exist.

Triggers.

Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers.Triggers. SOOOOOOOOOO many triggers. Mental deer in headlights terror. stop fucking with me.

This is completely, totally, unbelievably overwhelming. In every sense of the word.

http://autumnruins.tumblr.com/post/27416244922

They're all bad days.

So I guess saying I'm having a bad day isn't really saying anything. But there are heavy days and there are light days. Both are bad, both are sad, but heavy days feel like I'm drowning. Light days just feel like I'm treading water. Yesterday was a light day. Today is a heavy day.

I'm never happy anymore.

I don't think I even know how to be happy anymore. I just can't shake this sadness, this feeling that I'm not good enough and that I should just give up before I mess anything else up. And it's only getting worse.

It's every night now.

I used to have some good nights. I thought it was the birth control but now I'm not sure because I feel just as depressed as before.

I'm tired of my problems hurting Tray.

I'm tired of feeling like I'm not good enough.

I can't shake this depression.

It began when I really started missing Caylee. Then it felt worse when I got my period. And I can't shake it now. Is this from my period? Is this how it's going to be EVERY time I have my period? Because I don't know where this came from, but I can't do it.

Why do I feel so lonely?

I felt so removed when I was hanging out with my friends. Even when I was with them, I felt alone. Now that I'm just sitting at home by myself, I feel even more alone.

I want someone who knows exactly how I feel.

Not someone who can fix it. Someone who can look at me and say, I know. Not I understand how you feel, not I can relate, but I know. And I want them to tell me that this will get better, because they know. Not because "it always gets better" or because "time heals all wounds," but because they can say, "Look, I know. It sucked and it sucked and it sucked and then you had less days that sucked and then your sucky days sucked less and then you were at least mostly ok."

I wish there was a way to feel at peace with this.

It's grieving just like anything else. 5 years later, shouldn't it be easier? Today feels as bad as just after. I shouldn't keep feeling this way....I don't know how to accept it though.

I never had her back.

Yet somehow this past night has felt like she was taken from me all over again. Is this what every scare is going to be like from here on out? Losing her again and again and again?

Just a dream.

I don't think I'll ever be stable enough to have a family. If this is how bad I get 5 years later over a baby I never met that I shouldn't have ever wanted......no, I'm too fucked up to raise kids. I couldn't do that to them.

I just wish I could have one day.

I'm never going to have that shiny, picture-perfect future, am I?

Oh Caylee....

I miss you. It hurts so much. Losing you will forever be one of the most painful things to ever happen to me. And now I'm afraid it may happen again. Worse, that I might need to CHOOSE for it to happen. How could I live with that? Maybe I'm not, but I kind of think I am. But the thing is, even though it's not you, but it feels like I could lose you all over again. Shouldn't it feel different? Does it even matter? Either way, it's the same pain. I can't do it. God, I miss you.

Sad.

sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. sad. missing you sucks.