It's been awhile

Just popping in. Got to say, hearing about people killing themselves.....kind of makes me want to kill myself. Gotta love it.

It has been a long time since I've posted

But I don't really know what else to do. Lately I've felt so lonely and abandoned. Maybe it's because I've been off my meds, but I just feel so worthless and unwanted. Especially with tray. I've just felt like he hasn't wanted me around, like I'm not a priority. He doesn't seem to want me around, especially given his fear of me moving anything into his apartment :/ my day to day feelings seem to matter little to him lately, especially wedding stuff :/ I just.....I feel like less of a person and more of a shadow of a person, tied to the person he wishes I was. I feel like I only matter when I'm convenient

Down, worthless, stupid

The usual. Seriously. What is the point?

Notes to a friend part 2

I'm not even good at making you happy. I upset you so much. I can see it, the frustration, the annoyance, the look on your face that says shut up, you've done enough. And I can't stand hurting you, because you do so much for me. And so I try to do everything I can to make you happy. I tell you how much I love you and how much you mean to me, I try to make you laugh, I try to let you have fun and do what you want. But it's never enough. I can't take that face away. I can't make things better with a word or a touch like you can for me. I can't figure out what I can surprise you with to make your face light up. I don't know how to make your day better. And I feel like such a failure every time I can't. 

The worst part of it is that I can't be there for you. You can't tell me your feelings and confide in me. It makes me feel like I'm actively hurting you, making you keep all that bottled up. I can't stand that I can't be there for you. That I'm not enough. And you know it, too. So why don't you leave?

Notes to a friend

I have zero self worth. Actually, I think I have negative self worth. There is not one person I can name who is better because I am in their life. Literally, no one. Because you would be so much better off if I wasn't in yours. You wouldn't have to deal with my psychotic hunches or nonsensical feelings. It makes absolutely zero sense to me that you want me around. I cannot imagine why. The only thing I can think of is sex, the only thing I'm at all good at.  And I think that's why I've been feeling more unbalanced lately - you are the only person I trust not to hurt me or leave me. My parents .....I don't know what went so wrong, because I had a good childhood as far as they go. But I have never understood how people can go to their parents about.....anything. Advice, comfort, closeness....The idea is foreign to me. It was actually in the past few years that I realized that many people actually feel supported by their parents. It was the most shocking realization. I never knew that the amount of distance I feel between me and my parents wasn't normal. I know why, though. I'm afraid to let them down, or for them to let me down. That's why I stopped inviting them to things I was in, because I didn't want to be a burden or something they had to put up with. And I never trust them to respect my feelings. Hell, my dad made fun of a crush I had in fourth grade and that situation still makes me cringe. I'm not sure why, but I'm pretty sure that really messed me up. For as long as I can remember, I have had the responsibility of protecting them from unhappiness. My mistakes, my feelings, my shortcomings, all of it. They think I'm weird. I've heard them talking before, and just the way they react to things I do....they think I'm weird. I never feel more alone than I do at home with my family.  My friends, with the exception of Kerry, always leave at some point. They come to me for advice, and they stay when they need it. And when they don't, they leave. You wonder why I don't get fed up with these crazy people? Because people who have shit figured out have figured out they don't need me in their lives. You are the exception to that, which is why the only thing it could possibly be is sex. And you haven't wanted to have sex. And all I can think is, it took you a year and a half to stop wanting sex. How long till you stop wanting me around at all? It feels like it has to be soon. Maybe it's because Steve dumped me after I told him I wouldn't have sex anymore? Idk. I really don't. But literally everything I think is worthwhile about me is sex. That's why it's the only thing that really makes me feel good. That's probably why I want it so much. I'm pretty sure I self medicate with sex. It's the only thing I've gotten praised for that hasn't felt like a responsibility. All the things I enjoy, I'm not good at, and the things I am good at, I'm not good enough at. I'm still a disappointment. Except for sex. It's the only thing I'm good for. 

Reading these words from anyone else would just kill me inside. It really would. How can I possibly hate myself this much? What is wrong with me?

Today is one of those days where if I fell asleep and never woke up I wouldn't mind

I feel very abandoned

Ryan not answering my emails, tray being gone for a week, eve canceling and not hearing from her......I feel so, so alone and abandoned. Like everyone else thinks I'm as worthless as I think I am.