worthless

worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless

i feel dirty

I don't know why. I just feel useless and dirty and like a huge fuck up. I don' even know what's wrong.

i need to let go

i feel ashamed after sex. its great and im having fun and im fine and then its over and i feel dirty. i feel alone. even after i masturbate. i just cant get over that feeling that what i did was so wrong. i just need to be told after sex that i wasnt bad, i shouldnt be ashamed. i did nothing wrong.

i dont know what to do

just ......ahhhhhhhh. i want to crawl out of my skin

i feel drained. so, so drained

i know why the two are mutually exclusive

because one is who i was and one is who i am now, and i dont know which is really me, or which id rather be.

the journalist is who i wanted to be, who i became- independent, smart, capable, caustic, cold. jd robb's eve with a slightly different career. just like her, i locked it down. all of it. i felt accomplished, because i'd succeeded in functioning.

helping survivors.....thats acknowledging i AM one. everything i tried so hard to shut down - its embodying it. its shedding everything i did to cope, to survive - its completely changing who i became. my personality WAS my coping strategy. giving up coping is giving up who i was, and i loved who i was. but this way, id feel worthwhile, for helping other people. for acknowledging that it, too, was a gift - or making it one, anyway. but feeling things, depending on other people.......it isnt the person i loved, the person i wanted to be, the person i looked up to, the person i was supposed to be. but i cant be that person and function emotionally. it isnt picking between two careers, its picking between two sides of me. between two different lives.

getting to work feels like coming off a high

suddenly i just feel sad, like i need comforting. and i dont know if that has to do with the sex scene discussion or just the need to start working at 10 at night