Thursday, August 30, 2012
ugh
you know, it sucks when people who supposedly know you so well just dont even notice when you're upset. and when they arent helping
Monday, August 27, 2012
hi blog.
i haven't written in a while. being at home is different than being at school. i simply soldier through things more at home - i have to. no one knows. i cant just stay in bed and wail about nightmares or how fucked up i am. it does come up less this way...i think its more miserable when it does though. i surpress it, i know. usually unconsciously, although when its actually in my head i need to do it consciously. those times are the worst because its impossible to concentrate on anything. acting like a functioning human being literally takes all of my focus.
theres a lot more self-blame at home though. call it habit, catholic guilt, whatever, but i tend to blame myself for things. thats how im able to suck it up - tell myself to stop being a wimp, everyone else has problems and you dont see them moping around. no pity parties at home. which, i usually end up feeling good about that because i have more normal days. until i start doing things like freaking out for two hours because a lady yelled at me for cutting her off, or sobbing in my car because i turned the wrong way down the street. those cracks - thats when i see it. that i have more normal days but only because everything else gets locked away and shamed into not coming out. maybe my normal days have always been that way. i cant remember.
when im good its easy to feel like this normalcy is better. it doesnt disrupt my life, i feel less depressed; its easy to feel like theres nothing wrong with me. but when it comes out, its so lonely. when it comes out im fighting for air, trying to act like i can still function at a normal level because at those moments i really cant. and i cant fix it. and i cant tell anyone. i cant do anything. thats bad. and then theres night, when it comes out a lot, and the sadness and the loneliness feels like itll crush me. i feel like the only person in the world, like theres no hope. no way out. thats the worst.
at school, its always there. i cant escape it. but its more evenly spread. mostly unhappy, but stable, rather than mostly functioning and in a good mood (i dont know if im ever truely happy) punctured by the worst episodes. remembering how it was at school, i feel guilty and think "well why couldnt i suck it up then? im fine now; i was just being a baby." but then i realize, theres that self blame again. and its so fucking confusing - do i actually feel better sucking it up? or am i just shaming myself into thinking thats what i should do? i have no idea. at school, the lows are deeper but its a shorter fall. but at school i dont feel alone because i can look at tray and know that theres someone there, on my side. with me. rooting for me. i dont feel like i have to suck it up, so i dont. i wallow, but i dont feel like its my fault. i dont know how to get out though either. i also have to realize that its going to be worse at school because im with tray. i have to face it. i have to have sex and i have to be in love with him and its that same dynamic and what if it happens again. and whenever i think that all i have to do is think of tray and i know hed never do that to me. but the fear, the skeptism is there. the first reaction is to check it out - not to trust him, but to find the red flags, the signs. its like being afraid of heights and being stuck on an elevator at the sears tower. each time the door opens youre afraid its going to be too high. but then you actually look and its not actually that high, youre ok, youre fine. but then the next floor, well, you dont know. and the doors open again and its the same thing; its always the same thing. its having your biggest fear right in front of you. no, your biggest fear and 50 of its harmless twins. youre always waiting for it to pop up. just instinctively - no matter how much you know youre only on the second floor, or that hes a good guy, your first thought is always that this is the time.
its close. its so close. i trust him with my life, with all of it. everything that i could possibly tell, no matter how secret, he knows. i never have to worry. but every time, i do. everytime he gets mad, im afraid. and then i blame myself. and then i hate myself for blaming myself because its what ive always done..... and thats how it happened before. and then i hate myself because i know that i could so easily slip back into that. but then part of me knows im being unfair to tray because he wouldnt take advantage of how i felt the way steve did. but feeling like im not giving him enough credit and im being too harsh just leads me to feel even more like i should listen to him and then i feel more like it is happening, because that feeling that i SHOULD listen to him, that overwhelming feeling that isnt a suggestion but more of a command, thats what steve used, or cultivated, im not sure. but thats THAT feeling. and then im scared. im scared and i hate myself. and it takes a while before i can be coaxed back into being myself.
the fear is there too. every time i tell him something and he doesnt react the way i expect, i worry. i worry that he'll leave. that despair, that fear of losing him - i mean, its worth it to compromise a little, right? but he used that against me too. it wasnt compromising it was bullying. and it was again and again and again. and every time, i was afraid of losing him. and im so confused, because i dont want to lose tray. i KNOW that. but i didnt want to lose steve either. so whats the difference? where is the line where its ok? when is it ok to be afraid to lose him? when should i actually feel that way and when should i worry that im getting lost in the relationship? im still my own person, right? sometimes it doesnt feel that way, although i know that that correlates with when im feeling really depressed, really down, hopeless, worthless. when i cant see that im worth anything, i cant see that theres anything there anyway.
its always going to be harder with tray because i have to look it straight in the face. i cant ignore the abuse or forget about it because the potential is there. not in him, in me. in dating period? idk. but its always going to be worse because its closer. its always going to be worse until i can actually sort all this out in my head and fix it. i dont know when thatll be though. it isnt the birth control, it isnt the place, its constantly facing my fear everyday. it just wears me down. its worth it though, it really is. hes worth it. hes my best friend.
theres a lot more self-blame at home though. call it habit, catholic guilt, whatever, but i tend to blame myself for things. thats how im able to suck it up - tell myself to stop being a wimp, everyone else has problems and you dont see them moping around. no pity parties at home. which, i usually end up feeling good about that because i have more normal days. until i start doing things like freaking out for two hours because a lady yelled at me for cutting her off, or sobbing in my car because i turned the wrong way down the street. those cracks - thats when i see it. that i have more normal days but only because everything else gets locked away and shamed into not coming out. maybe my normal days have always been that way. i cant remember.
when im good its easy to feel like this normalcy is better. it doesnt disrupt my life, i feel less depressed; its easy to feel like theres nothing wrong with me. but when it comes out, its so lonely. when it comes out im fighting for air, trying to act like i can still function at a normal level because at those moments i really cant. and i cant fix it. and i cant tell anyone. i cant do anything. thats bad. and then theres night, when it comes out a lot, and the sadness and the loneliness feels like itll crush me. i feel like the only person in the world, like theres no hope. no way out. thats the worst.
at school, its always there. i cant escape it. but its more evenly spread. mostly unhappy, but stable, rather than mostly functioning and in a good mood (i dont know if im ever truely happy) punctured by the worst episodes. remembering how it was at school, i feel guilty and think "well why couldnt i suck it up then? im fine now; i was just being a baby." but then i realize, theres that self blame again. and its so fucking confusing - do i actually feel better sucking it up? or am i just shaming myself into thinking thats what i should do? i have no idea. at school, the lows are deeper but its a shorter fall. but at school i dont feel alone because i can look at tray and know that theres someone there, on my side. with me. rooting for me. i dont feel like i have to suck it up, so i dont. i wallow, but i dont feel like its my fault. i dont know how to get out though either. i also have to realize that its going to be worse at school because im with tray. i have to face it. i have to have sex and i have to be in love with him and its that same dynamic and what if it happens again. and whenever i think that all i have to do is think of tray and i know hed never do that to me. but the fear, the skeptism is there. the first reaction is to check it out - not to trust him, but to find the red flags, the signs. its like being afraid of heights and being stuck on an elevator at the sears tower. each time the door opens youre afraid its going to be too high. but then you actually look and its not actually that high, youre ok, youre fine. but then the next floor, well, you dont know. and the doors open again and its the same thing; its always the same thing. its having your biggest fear right in front of you. no, your biggest fear and 50 of its harmless twins. youre always waiting for it to pop up. just instinctively - no matter how much you know youre only on the second floor, or that hes a good guy, your first thought is always that this is the time.
its close. its so close. i trust him with my life, with all of it. everything that i could possibly tell, no matter how secret, he knows. i never have to worry. but every time, i do. everytime he gets mad, im afraid. and then i blame myself. and then i hate myself for blaming myself because its what ive always done..... and thats how it happened before. and then i hate myself because i know that i could so easily slip back into that. but then part of me knows im being unfair to tray because he wouldnt take advantage of how i felt the way steve did. but feeling like im not giving him enough credit and im being too harsh just leads me to feel even more like i should listen to him and then i feel more like it is happening, because that feeling that i SHOULD listen to him, that overwhelming feeling that isnt a suggestion but more of a command, thats what steve used, or cultivated, im not sure. but thats THAT feeling. and then im scared. im scared and i hate myself. and it takes a while before i can be coaxed back into being myself.
the fear is there too. every time i tell him something and he doesnt react the way i expect, i worry. i worry that he'll leave. that despair, that fear of losing him - i mean, its worth it to compromise a little, right? but he used that against me too. it wasnt compromising it was bullying. and it was again and again and again. and every time, i was afraid of losing him. and im so confused, because i dont want to lose tray. i KNOW that. but i didnt want to lose steve either. so whats the difference? where is the line where its ok? when is it ok to be afraid to lose him? when should i actually feel that way and when should i worry that im getting lost in the relationship? im still my own person, right? sometimes it doesnt feel that way, although i know that that correlates with when im feeling really depressed, really down, hopeless, worthless. when i cant see that im worth anything, i cant see that theres anything there anyway.
its always going to be harder with tray because i have to look it straight in the face. i cant ignore the abuse or forget about it because the potential is there. not in him, in me. in dating period? idk. but its always going to be worse because its closer. its always going to be worse until i can actually sort all this out in my head and fix it. i dont know when thatll be though. it isnt the birth control, it isnt the place, its constantly facing my fear everyday. it just wears me down. its worth it though, it really is. hes worth it. hes my best friend.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Guilt. Lots of guilt.
for everything. its ridiculous how bad i feel about things. i just beat myself up for no reason. i dont know how to stop though
Monday, August 6, 2012
Worthless.
As always :( tonight is bad. For no real reason too. How come whenever I feel this way I want to have sex? I swear to god that's all I'm good for.....
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